Freedom and Compromising

It's been a while. I missed you dearest blog. I should probably sleep, but when one is in a writing mood one must write.

It was recently the 4th of July and when I looked at my social media accounts my peers and friends bombarded my feeds with things pertaining to July 4th. I am not patriotic at all. If anything I am unpatriotic. When patriotism becomes invloved a general theme is the freedoms America has and the lives lost to obtain it. I have a problem with individuals that insist their contries peoples' lives have greater value than say a terrorist. As if one soul that Christ made a way for is worth more than  another soul. I dare not say all Americans think this way, but where I grew (growing) up this idea is more common than I'd like to admit. I don't dishonor the military in any way and it is very sorrowful for all the lives that were lost. But it is hard for me to be genuine in my sorrows completely when the "freedom" being fought for creates a devestaing warzone for another country. No life is greater than another. We are not worth more because what we believe or what country we live in. We are worthless. Yet, God decided to save us anyways. That is my pride. His grace saved me from death. And my freedom comes from my Saviour. Not the country I live in. I am in awe with my God who made me free and He alone can give us true freedom.

I was in a Christian Book store the other day and I saw something that startled me and left me feeling quite unsettled. I saw a Manga Bible and playing battle cards? Manga is a very disturbing industry to me. The art is sexualizing of women and the characters can often have a fantasy feel to them. I have only seen covers and the inside contents are no doubt full of immorality and things the devil delights in. My point is that Manga and the Bible (which is truth and light) should never be mixed. I saw this display of battle cards with Bible characters on them that were unidentifiable and appeared more like mystical fantasy creatures. The women's bodies were outrageous. I  have several problems with these cards and the manga Bible.

1) The characters had purple, blue, pink hair. They had glowing crowns on their heads. The backgrounds were not of Earth. In short, they seemed like fictional, mystical creatures. My obvious problem with this is that if a non-Christian or even a Christian were to see this then the real characters and the truths in the Bible will have a potential to become associated with this theme of fantasy.

2) It compromises truth. This doesn't really need an explanation.

3) I associate manga with sexual, immoral, possesive material. This manga looked exactly like the secular manga. That is unacceptal and gives the wrong image of what peace and life the Bible gives.

There are probably a dozen more reason I can discuss on why I had such a problem with these cards and the mange Bible. But my final thought leads to what is the Church compromising? This is just one example of what the Church has let slip in order to what? I suppose because manga is so popular the purpose was to create a manga that is "Bible" based. The compromising leads to lukewarm Christians. God wants to spit out lukewarm Christians. But before I point to the church I must remember that I am part of the church and I surely am compromising too in different areas. It is crucial as ambassadors of Christ that we must do our best to represent our perfect God. But when we compromise it can lead to death. There is either life or death. There is no eh kinda alive but also dead.

I believe that if we truly set our eyes on Him and have our spirit have dominion over our lives then there will be a lack of  compromising. My desire is to truly set my eyes on Him, but that proves to be a struggle at times. I fret over the small things and everything nowadays moves in lightning speeds. I mean, I can communicate with my sister who is hundreds of miles away in an instant. But He tells us to Be still and know that He is God. So my prayer is this.

I am in a not so still enviroment, but I will chase after His word that tells me to be still and this is just me.

Provider and Planner

I like to reread my posts mainly to check for mistakes and such. As I checked tonight, I thought I should probably add to my freedom testimony.

I suppose I have to begin back in December of 2013. It was a silly little church group party and I had a particular "teenager" mood that day. One thing led to another and the next thing you know I am in the backseat of the car that is parked in the driveway and to say the least I broke. Depression or any kind of bondage has only one solution. And everything else beside His blood is just a distraction. I had pretended to be okay that I tricked my self that I actually was okay. It is exhausting having to be so numb inside. However, I would like to just say that being in a pit doens't mean I am 24/7 grasping to the thought of suicide. For me at least, it came at night and it was almost like a storm that shakes you and makes you bare until you feel like you have nothing left. Their are storm seasons and also dry seasons. I had tricked myelf into a dry season. With some prodding, my mother in a way unlocked what I had been wrestling to hide.

Once I could no longer fool myself I couldn't function. I didn't go to school for three days. I didn't care that I missed the party I was just so exhausted of faking it to everyone that I was okay. I was like a dam and everything I had managed to contain rushed out and I couldn't manage it. So I decided to be homeschooled or do virtual school. But what could I tell people? Yes, I am going to be homeschooled. Oh why? Because my depression has entrapped me to the point where I don't have any energy to go to school. Looking back, all of my anguish could of been quickly released. Exhasuted? Find Rest in Him. Lost? The Shepherd guides. The list goes on.

A few years ago I really wanted to go to Japan and we (myself + mother) visited the school I am actually going to go to this year. There are too many "coincidences" in my testimony. When homeschool looked like the option for me my mom asked if I wanted to go to Japan as I told her many times that December night I didn't want to be here. Even that vulnerable I couldn't say to my mother that I wanted to die. I meant here as in Earth. But all the pieces pulled together and now here I am in Japan.

So my mindset before I came to Japan was to get filled up by Christ so when this church event that is held once a month is displayed I think okay that won't hurt to go. Little did I know that at that church event I would begin my life in a freedom I had never experienced. To add just an added extra Provider-ness for you. This particular Sunday was jam packed. We were running all over the metroplex and if we had had time to stop by the house before this event I guarantee I wouldv'e collapsed and not have gone.

To sum things up, now that you know the background:

I wanted to go to Japan before and already had a school I could go to.
I have given up on the idea and am going to my local  highschool.
Mother and I get into a "fight" I reveal to myself and that I am very broken.
I stop going to school.
I decide to be homeschooled and decide to go to Japan
I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ before I go.
Extra church event on a Sunday night? Why not.
Gets free.

I don't really like the idea that things that happen are the way it was meant to be. Like divorce? Meant to be? Yeah unlikely. But I do believe that no matter how many times we stumble God can redirect our path and make our scars another reason to glorify Him. I can't say being depressed was meant to be, but I can say that I was lost and when I was found He made a way to use my dark path to show His light to others. I kept avoiding His path and He faithfully redirected me everytime and I finally made my way to freedom. What a faithfull God we serve!

These events are far too coincidental for me. I know my God has been planning (and re-planning) and providing. I really feel strongly that my anthem this season with the Lord is that He will Provide. I can't say it enough.

It has been raining for three days. and I mean like non-stop raining. Normally, being bymyself constantly would normally be a recipe for dark thoughts. And add the depressing rain? But it just happens that I am too free and filled with living water to have any room for the enemies antics.

There is nothing like living in freedom and this is just me.

Japan so far

Oh Hi there blog that I have shortly abandoned. In my defense, this computer deletes my sentences or just does funny business that is extremely annoying. Also, I am used to writing on my bed with the computer in my lap and this whole no wifi thing is different. So my hope is even when I get busy with school I can at LEAST write once a week. Memories are precious and writing clears my head and sometimes we just have to be still.

I suddenly feel a slight pressure as my URL has been shared with family friends (Hi and thank you for your encouragement) and I kind of am nervous as I can just see my mother tsking at some grammatical error. So as this computer doesn't have an English spell check, do forgive me. But I started this blog to I suppose write about this journey in Japan as well as my everlasting journey with Christ. I am writing it for me and if a few people want to join me on this adventure then, welcome.

The plane ride isn't worth writing about except that I spilled my Sierra Mist on the guy sitting next to me. He was really nice about it. But going through customs with the a Japanese passport is quite the different experience. The line moves at the blink of eye and when my passport is "checked" it is only for a mere few seconds. My grandpa and aunt with my precious cousin were waiting for me at the airport. I love every inch of my cousin and the best part is every time I see him I am reminded that my God provides. I think on his birthday I will write about his arrival or perhaps on the anniversery of the day he came to our family. At the moment, his mother is favorite person and he drools more than any other baby I have seen. For whatever reason, he has let me hold him which makes me extremely happy considering besides our Obachan, his mom, and kinda his dad he wails. I have spent a few days with my aunt and cousin. A year with just pictures is just not the same. Even his cries are cute and the thought of anyone saying anything mean to him pains me.

Adoption is not common in Japan and because of this I am sure my cousin may face negative reactions. But as my (our) God has shown before He will surely provide. I have already decided that baby K is going to know Christ as his Saviour. I don't know if it is okay if I just decide that, but I have and when I hold him I pray over his precious life. He may not be able to speak yet, but that doesn't stop the devil. And that surely doesn't stop me or God. I was talking to my Aunt and showed me a few books that were intended for children that were adopted. One was orignally written in English and then translated. We started talking about adoption here and in America and she said she want baby K to go to America or have the possibility open to him because in America adoption isn't anything to be ashamed of. Thinking about it makes me cry. As we talked, I almost didn't recognize that part of my aunt. She has changed so much. It is kind of known that my aunt is/was kind of hard? in certain areas. Although, she is hilarious and there has already been so many baksho (bursting in laughter) moments. But as she talked about baby K there was I suppose the mother gene showing and I felt so grateful. So many women struggle with infertility and although she struggled as well it  was short lived and at the end she became a mother. I heard her anguish and love for baby K and I was so overwhelmed that our family could ever recieve such life. It is a lot to go into here, but baby K coming into my non-Christian family is incredible. Baby K's arrival has already impacted me tremedously. Not just because I have a cousin, but I mean how he came and its signifigance has made God feel so incredibly intimate and real. How is it that I get to declare The Almighty Provider as my personal Saviour? I will never deserve it, but oh do I gladly except His grace.

I did go to church last Sunday and althouh I would have loved to share the message I have to admit that I was VERY sleepy because of jet lag and my eyes were very heavy during the message. Most of my energy was trying to keep my eyes open. But I did feel very grateful towards this church. It was packed with old people. The thought of these aged Japanese people that have the most "traditionalist" thinking worshipping God made me so thankful. It doesn't matter how old or young. Or how broken and lost our Shepard will guide us.

My Grandma and I have been trekking our way through conversations. With my broken Japanese and her hearing and with the added fact she thinks I don't understand any Japanese we are quite frankly struggling. But still in the midst of all that we are communicating. My Obachan is a thinker and not very Japanese like. You don't think in Japan because there is so much fear and no definite belief system so the thinkers are few. I don't mean thinkers as in people who are smart, but my Obachan sees people and she thinks about things typical Japanese don't. I love these things about her. It is because of this that when we talk and I mention God I know she doesn't think I am just a crazy westerner. She may not belive Jesus to be her Saviour (yet), but it seems that she acknowledges that in fact He is alive and my Saviour. She seems to like to about my Dad and all his stuff. This gives me plentiful of oppurtunities to discuss my dependence on God and the freedom He provides and my hope for reconcilliation. Baby K's biological mother is also  frequently discussed and adoption is as well. We were dead, but He made a way so we could live again. Because of this phenomenon I view life differently and Baby K's life differently. When adoption is brought up I am given windows of opprutinity to share some Light. As my home church's pastor says no one can argue with your testimony. So as I aquire Japanese I pray to be able to show my Obachan His glory. I need to learn the word depression in Japanese because when I am ready I think sharing my restoration and freedom is the best way I can show how real my God is. My Obachan does the ancestor thing and I believe in demonic forces and as I think her praying calls upon them I have already done the justice to call upon the name of the Lord to this house. The mere mention of His name makes anything called flee. I have declared this house to be a house of God and ask for your declarance of this too. I think there is a certain power in numbers.

I am far too tired to proofread this so here is my first post from Japan and this is just me.

Packing Panics

Well, a few hours ago I freaked out. I was packing and decided to weigh my bag and it was about 65lbs. I'm pretty sure the limit is 50lbs and I'm still not even finished packing. I had carefully rolled all my clothes up or folded the thick ones, but when I saw the 65lbs worth of clothes it looked like I carelessly threw the clothes into the suitcase. So with the sudden stress that I am about leave and finally realizing that AND my bag being far too over weight... well I went into full distress mode.

I started taking everything out of my suitcase like a mad man. I moved my thicker and heavier clothes into a duffel bag I planned to take anyway. And although I have tried to eliminate as many clothes I know I shouldn't bring before I tried again. I did take out quite a decent amount of clothes that I probably won't wear. It is the probably that kills me. Like what if I have the prefect outfit idea, but I can't wear because that one shirt is at home. It sounds dumb, but I am thinking that. I hate deciding things and have been trying to bombard my sister with questions of whether to bring an item or not. Much to my annoyance she doesn't decide for me and becomes practical and asks if I have worn it in the last year. Considering going outside and wearing acceptable clothing isn't exactly my forte that is a hard question. I have come to realize I buy too many things and despite their cuteness I shouldn't have bought them. I always shop till I drop in Japan and this time when I shop I will hesitate before I go full shopaholic.

Anyways, I started rerolling and putting in all of my clothes that I had yet to put in my suitcase. My sock obsession is becoming apparent as I pack. I obviously have the normal socks for converse and running shoes and such, but my pretty ones with ruffles and patterns take a surprisingly good hunk of space in my suitcase. But space doesn't matter really it is more weight that has me pulling my hair out.  I put all of my socks into one bag and it was HUGE.

I still haven't worked out how I am going to fit everything in my bag including some books, makeup, and shoes. It'll somehow work out. But the thing is I am going to AT THE AIRPORT IN 24 HOURS. Like as in ONE DAY PEOPLE. Also, why am I still up?  Packing is stressing me out, but tomorrow I  am going to Chick-fil-a one last time and having a friend come over before I leave. I'll probably take my stuff out all over again and finish cleaning everything with her. Maybe she can help me be decisive. I am surprisingly not tired. It is probably because of nerves or something.

OH and I have the worst allergies and I'm not really on my medication I should be taking so my allergies can flare up. Long story short my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed. I hate allergies.

I still haven't even started getting ready for bed and read anything yet. Depending on how things go I will either write tomorrow night/morning or IN JAPAN!!!!!

I am leAVING IN ONE DAY and this is just me.

Potato

I just set an alarm for when I need to wake up for my flight and it said two days and five hours. Did you catch that because it went by pretty fast?.Two days and five hours. Where did the time go?

Some bricks decided to hop on my eyes so this is a super brief post, but I had a really great day. A handful of my friends came over and wowowow was it great to have them here. I'm having a friend (hi because you're #number1fan) over on Wednesday. And then it'll be a year before I am back. It sounds like a lot, but then again this year went by so fast so it's only a year. We went and took professional pictures today and I felt like Mr. Potato. But at least I captured my face in all its potato glory.

I can hardly write another word.... and now I am apparently writing like a potato too.

Here is the lamest post ever, but just a remembrance that I have the best friends and this is just me.

Rage On

f o u r days.

 

My suitcase is filled to the very brim and my closet only holds the items I am leaving. I felt like it was like three days ago that I started pursuing going to Japan. I was a friend's birthday party today and when it hit two weeks until I would leave I felt the need to hang out with all of my two and a half friends. But today, as I was there to a certain extant it seemed of such minimal importance. I don't know why.  But I'm having a few friends over for Memorial Day which I am sure will help me chill about packing which still is stressing me out. It seems I stress over the little things.

 

I am currently reading a book called, "The Spiritual Man" written by Watchman Nee. A family friend lent it to me and although I've hardly made a dent in it, it has already changed the way I look at my relationship with God and how I read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me how God provides for us. The day I received the book was the day my chains were destroyed. I began to read the preface as we drove to the church event. Nee wrote about how as Christians when we encounter God it is common that we assume that that is all God has in store for us. However, He is yet to be finished with showing us all of His glory. God is so big and I will never be able to comprehend His power. This is the mindset I have in the service, and as I begin to realize that I am being restored from depression, suicide, and regret. I was trembling of fear of my God, but I realized (with the help of Watchman Nee) I had only hit the tip of the ice berg. So my prayer is that I will not be satisfied and I will engulf myself into His Living water and submerge myself and dive in and seek the end of the iceberg. I have a feeling it happens to be an endless iceberg.

 

As I am still day by day understanding the supernatural healing God did for me I have still not put all of my "testimony" up. A pastor that night spoke along the lines that when you have bondage for so long it can become part of what you believe to be your identity. You can encourage the strongholds with the constant demeaning of yourself. This struck a huge cord within me. I forgot what it felt like to be in freedom. In fact, I wonder if I ever knew freedom. I believed in the bondage more than anything else. Ordinarily I wouldn't declare I was depressed, but if some truth syrup slipped into my drink and I was asked, "Who I was" I imagine I'd say, " I am dying and I can't breath because depression strangles you." That'll warm a heart eh? That was who I thought I was. So as I am reflecting what the pastor said I almost laugh because it appears God himself specifically told the pastor to say that for me. He also said that many of us decide to stay in the "comfortable" bondage rather then the unknown freedom. Isn't that good? The word is powerful, but when I was in such dark pits it felt impossible to read the Bible. I knew it could set me free, but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to read the Bible to be free. Except, that's where my fundamental Christian beliefs stumbled. It is not based on my works that I am free, but His grace. So with the fire I have for my Savior it is a pleasure to be able to read the only living book in the universe. I have been restored and now as I am in the restoration process I pray to root myself in the Rock.

 

Also, today's message at church was eye-opening. God has a tendency to that. I am so grateful for a church that has a pastor that has revelation upon revelation given to him. I will probably write about it tomorrow.

 

I pray that I will seek to replenish myself in oil every day so that I would keep my fire for the Lord raging. I am living in freedom and this is just me.

 

 

Stand Up

There are nine more days. I am down to the single digits. I want to quickly jump right back in to further elaborate on my experiences of last night.

 

As a family on Sunday nights, we have a devotion and share what we thought of the message from that day and other revelations God had given to us in that week. There were so many devotions that I couldn't wait till we were done. Yesterday was an extremely long day and we decided to wait till tonight to share our revelation experiences. I was so pumped yesterday to share my revelation, but as my mom mentioned devotion a feeling of dread and shame overcame me. I didn't know if I could really share. I did for the one reason of knowing that my restoration was the works of the Lord and the works of the Most High must be declared.

 

I want to recount the messages I received last night. These thoughts are not of mine, but of those who spoke last night at the church event I attended. There were so many things that hit right at home. It was said that God doesn't heal us for us, but to redeem us so then we can glorify and exalt His kingdom. What an honor to be have the privilege of knowing a King and being  healed by Him.

 

This ministry has many testimonies and as this event is held once a month the healing and supernatural power that is demonstrated on these nights are shared. This one particular elder of the church read some healing testimonies that were surely from our Savior. Then he shared his testimony and this is where God began to work. He started sharing his depression and struggle with suicide and when you have been chained to depression and suicide for so long the slight mention of depression stirs something. In the last six months, I have had two "arguments" with my mother on things linked to depression. I knew my mother to an extent knew I was not happy, but I did not know whether she knew if I was controlled by the desire to escape life. I assumed my sister had no idea. But as this elder speaks and tells us that in a moment we need to stand if we have ever had suicidal thoughts or depression my heart raced. How could I stand? But how could I not stand? I thought of how I begged God to kill me night after night. I had so much anger for Him that He kept me here. I wanted to die so badly. I spent endless nights fighting the urge to cut myself and begging God to either free me or kill me. But in this moment I knew I had to stand, but I didn't know if I could. My every moment with God revolved around depression, but here I was with  the opportunity to be restored and I didn't know if I could stand. But then I was reminded of this particular moment in my life.

 

I was at a Christian youth camp. The message of the night was about sexual immorality and that previous morning we had a session on purity. The whole time I knew I should have gone to prayer, but my pride held me back. After all, I had never actually done anything sexual immoral and it was all in my head. The rest of the day I had a regretful feeling hanging around me. But as I have discovered the Lord always will re-direct us to His path. Well the evening message came around and the moment the preacher began to discuss sexual immorality my heart began to race. I was sitting in the inside of the isle and on the end of my isle my youth pastors sat. As the preacher prepared to call us for an alter call I knew I could not miss this encounter with God. But pride and the enemy fought with me. So many thoughts ran through my mind. What will they think if I go for an alter call for sexual immorality? I appear so innocent so no one would ever know how sinful you are if you don't go. What will your sister think? And then there was my youth pastors that I would have to pass as I went to the alter call. The pastor is counting. He says on the count of three to come down. One... "You can be released from here." Two... "You're fine you haven't even had a boyfriend." Three... "I don't care." I happened to be sitting where there was no row behind me and rather than facing passing my youth pastors I jumped over my seat and made my way to the alter. There I literally knelt before my Redeemer and sobbed.

 

So in this moment of again questions of whether I could submit before God and forget about what anyone else thought God put this event into my heart. I knew I would hate myself for not standing. So I stood. The elder told the congregation that this kind of prayer was the holding prayer so my mother grabbed me and a hand gripped my shoulder. When I stood it was silent. I was finally declaring that I was so broken and I was going to do my part. As wrote previously, I always thought that my sister was always the one who got to release her pain. So I confidently knew that I would be the only one standing. But then when my mother grabs me she grabs my sister as well. Satan fed me lies for so long that I was the only one who knew this pain of wanting to die. I was the one who was too broken and I had to fake it very day. Yet, here I was with people all around me going at war in prayer to denounce not only my bondage with depression, but my sisters. This shattered the enemies lies.

 

There is so much more to share, but this post is starting to look like a chapter so until tomorrow. My prayer is to never forget His victory. I will come across a dark valley, but I will not fear for He is with me. At tonight's devotion I realized how crucial it is to share our revelations.

 

I am in the process of restoration and this is just me.