I don’t know if it’s the school that I love or if it’s the fact that I’m living in freedom or the combination of both. I already am dreading leaving. I don’t want to leave ever. I tried to think about starting my life back up again in the States, but I can’t. I love it here. Something about these people and I just click.
I have never been happier in my life. And despite feeling stressed about Physics and Pre-Cal that stuff doesn’t overwhelm me in the way it used to. I mean by no means do I not stress, but this stuff is the physical stuff. I have a physical piece of homework I need to finish. But before that assignment would affect me emotionally. Every ordinary life hiccup became a tidal wave that I couldn’t handle. And then when I found myself on the ground I had to get up… but with broken legs. My own logic took me to the idea that if I want to get back up I need my legs to be healed. I was so entrapped by the thought of being healed I forgot that first I just needed to stretch out my hands and surrender trying to get up on my own will. The first time I truly just searched to encounter God was when I was restored. Coincidence? Of course not. I thought I was seeking God during my battle with depression and suicide. But I was just seeking being okay. I didn’t first seek the Kingdom of God. My eyes were never fixated on Him. I was completely self-absorbed and I was in my own world slaved to the prison I built. I was only looking at what was broken and yelling at God, “Look I’m broken help me”, but He was waiting for me to just look at Him.
I am not an extremely punctual person, but if I had a job interview you bet I would be there on time. But the thing is I let God wait. I stood up God? The creator of the Universe waited for me. In Watchman Nee’s book, Let us Pray he discusses the will of God and praying for the will to be done as it is in Heaven. God waits for us to pray and obey. Humans limit God. I limit God. God’s will is the only perfect plan. And I would just like to say He never planned for you to be depressed or an alcoholic or in bondage. We were created in His image and in the beginning you were never destined for bondage. It's a lie of the enemy for anyone to believe that they were made with a defect. I believed that for a very long time. But the truth sets us free. And man this freedom that God gives is sheer bliss.
I feel so blessed to serve a God who calls us to be pure and whole. His Grace is so sufficient and this is just me.