Thursday, September 25, 2014

What is Trust?

I wrote this for a Bible response paper so if you are wondering why I randomly talk about things it's because I needed to include it. It's all over the place but I figured I'd share. 

Bondage is like a prison. It cuts you off from what you love and sometimes we put our selves there. Bondage feeds on our fears. And fear and trust can not co-exist.  When fear get’s into our hearts Satan delights because we’ve opened the door to the enemy. But how can you have bondage AND trust God. It’s like oil and water. The two will never mix. Fear and bondage create a gap between God and His children. The gap can only be filled with Jesus Christ, our way.

So who do I trust?  I trust God and all His power. I trust my sister, best friend, my mother, and to be honest anyone who loves Jesus and has faith in His power to free people.  Although for an extremely long time I don’t think I trusted anyone. 

I hate to say it, but I don’t think I trusted God for a very long time. I don’t even think I grasped what trust was. I think trust comes when we love and the only way to truly grasp love is to surrender who we are for Christ and accept His love. I grew up knowing Jesus was my Savior and I never doubted the eternity. For this I am so grateful. But instead of looking at Him and having faith and wholeheartedly trusting Him, I trusted the bondage. I believed that no matter what I would always be broken. I had my eyes set on my broken pieces and I tried picking them up on my own. My intent was to show them to God as if to say, “I am broken, help I can’t do it anymore by myself.” But when I used my own will to pick up the pieces I always cut myself and I was at angry at God for letting this happen. When all it took was for me to ask the Holy One to pick up my pieces. And you know what? He already did. On the cross Jesus already won the victory and in Him I am victorious. I just have to trust in that Victory and set my eyes upon Him. 

That’s what true trust is to me. It’s saying I am too weak and I put my trust in you and everything is in your hands. It’s denying ourselves and giving Him true control. It’s living for His will and it’s tuning into His will. But trust is a daily thing. Our salvation is a done deal, but Christianity is a journey and a relationship that grows. Denying ourselves everyday and living in humility isn’t always easy. In fact it can be a struggle. But trust is like a clay. At first, the clay isn’t very malleable.  It takes effort to get it to the point where something beautiful can be created. There may be parts that take more time to knead through. There might be mountain high or valley low moments, but the greatest news of all is that it is finished. God sent His son so we could have a relationship with Him filled with trust and love.

When I tried to think who had trust in God in the Bible I thought of David. Can you imagine taking stones as your weapon against a giant? If David could not kill Goliath he would put make God’s people into slaves. Talk about pressure. But David had faith in the God who provided. David had trust that the stone would hit the right spot on Goliath’s forehead. I mean David had to really believe. He had to face looking at this literal giant with armor and weapons of splendor and just think well sucks for you because I have the Great I AM on my side. There is no one more worthy for our commitment and trust than our Savior is. His faithfulness endures forever. 

If you managed to get through that wow good job and this is just rambling me. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Stressed but Blessed

I am so happy. 

I don’t know if it’s the school that I love or if it’s the fact that I’m living in freedom or the combination of both. I already am dreading leaving. I don’t want to leave ever. I tried to think about starting my life back up again in the States, but I can’t. I love it here. Something about these people and I just click. 

I have never been happier in my life. And despite feeling stressed about Physics and Pre-Cal that stuff doesn’t overwhelm me in the way it used to. I mean by no means do I not stress, but this stuff is the physical stuff. I have a physical piece of homework I need to finish. But before that assignment would affect me emotionally. Every ordinary life hiccup became a tidal wave that I couldn’t handle. And then when I found myself on the ground I had to get up… but with broken legs. My own logic took me to the idea that if I want to get back up I need my legs to be healed. I was so entrapped by the thought of being healed I forgot that first I just needed to stretch out my hands and surrender trying to get up on my own will. The first time I truly just searched to encounter God was when I was restored. Coincidence? Of course not. I thought I was seeking God during my battle with depression and suicide. But I was just seeking being okay.  I didn’t first seek the Kingdom of God. My eyes were never fixated on Him. I was completely self-absorbed and I was in my own world slaved to the prison I built.  I was only looking at what was broken and yelling at God, “Look I’m broken help me”, but He was waiting for me to just look at Him.

I am not an extremely punctual person, but if I had a job interview you bet I would be there on time. But the thing is I let God wait. I stood up God? The creator of the Universe waited for me. In Watchman Nee’s book, Let us Pray he discusses the will of God and praying for the will to be done as it is in Heaven. God waits for us to pray and obey. Humans limit God. I limit God. God’s will is the only perfect plan. And I would just like to say He never planned for you to be depressed or an alcoholic or in bondage. We were created in His image and in the beginning you were never destined for bondage. It's a lie of the enemy for anyone to believe that they were made with a defect. I believed that for a very long time. But the truth sets us free. And man this freedom that God gives is sheer bliss. 

I feel so blessed to serve a God who calls us to be pure and whole. His Grace is so sufficient and this is just me. 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Living for His Will

So I am at McDonalds eating french fries and writing this post. Two weeks of school have passed and I have been in Japan for three months. Last night I talked to my mom about school and after wards it just kind of hit me how easy it was to talk to her. As much as my sister and I make fun of my mom that she doesn’t listen and the words, “Mommy listen!!!” and “I’m listening” have been said countless times at our household she does listen. I talked about my day and when God came He just did. It isn’t that my grandmother doesn’t listen, but it is just different. 

In English, we were given an assignment to tell a story about a “water-shed moment”, something that has impacted us and has brought us to where we are. The teacher elaborated on different type of possible stories and you know what every explanation led my thoughts to? My Restoration Story, the story that I have been freely writing about here on this blog. I am not ashamed of who I was. I used to be, but that’s the thing about the blood of Jesus. He washes away those bondages when we surrender. So my hesitation with sharing my struggle of depression and suicide rooted at the fact that some people will always do the “I am so sorry you had to go through that..” thing. I mean yes it was terrible, but notice the was. In every physical aspect, I feel alone here. I don’t have my support system. I can’t always express myself. I do get overwhelmed and I miss my family. If I was still depressed here in Japan I would be the easiest target for the devil. Although, I do think most of the people reading this are aware that there is nothing to be “sorry” about or to feel “awh, poor thing”, but I just wanted to say have a little more faith in His power. Don’t you see what He did in my life is incredible? He rescued me for His glory. So instead of feeling bad for me, Rejoice the Lord! My depression will never come back and yes I used the forbidden never because with the Creator of the Universe always and never can be backed up by Truth. So I didn’t want to share in front of people that might focus on the past more than the freedom. But I also didn’t really want to share my restoration in a devotion with my family and that was crucial to my freedom. So I decided to pray.

I felt peace into deciding that I would choose a different time to share my story. Instead I chose to share a story I have been wanting to document on this blog. I am a junior and when I started High School I was faced with a lot of questions I had no answers to. I honestly think there is some Adult Rule Book 101 that says once a teenager is in High School you should pester them with question about their future. What do you want to do? Do you know your major? Do you have any colleges you’re thinking about? I didn’t have a clue. All I knew was that ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother. I could spend hours by myself playing with my stuffed animals who played the part of baby and I the mother. And all in all I still want to be a mother and play the part of the house-wife. I am a walking feminists worst nightmare. But about a year and a half ago (possibly more I actually am not sure) I met three little girls who have become unforgettable in my life. These girls were rescued from the foster care system and I had the honor to spend time with them. I found myself heart broken. I didn’t see vibrant little girls that loved effortlessly. I saw girls that had been hurt and were forced to be mature and cautious. Two of the girls were two and one was just 7 months old. Despite all their pain and circumstance with a little effort to build trust these girls showed love and innocence that should have come first nature to them. Children should be brought into this world cherished and loved. They need someone to tell them that they have a purpose and they are fearfully and wonderfully made. These girls were sweet and bright and the system failed them. They were sent to back to a family member and back to the same environment that had hurt them so.  I lost hope in this system that was supposed to give a voice to the voiceless to stand up for the innocent. I was angry and frustrated. Who was really going to stand up and represent the voice of the innocent that gets so easily lost in the stacks of laws and regulations that don’t seem to do what’s in the best interest for the child. So who? It is so blatantly obvious that it seems to pass us. The Church should. (I heard another lady speak on this issue and she brought this point to me.) The church has to stand for the voiceless. Only we know truth and have a God who has the power to break bondages and bring restoration to families. So it is with this that I have become sure of my passion as well as my purpose. I want to give a voice to the voiceless but I want to do so with the Holy name of Jesus by my side. As I am here in Japan and I see the brokenness of families I so desperately want to do something. There are still many things I don’t know. I don’t know what to major or where I will work. But I know one thing. God’s will will be done. And my only prayer can be is to be still and tune into His voice so I would know His will.

God is always good and this is just me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

A solid Answer

We (Christians) know darkness only because we have His light to show us the difference but if you are just in darkness and don't know the light at all then you are unaware of your hopelessness. I was in a very dark pit, but I am here simply because I knew there was Light and that it saves. I am so grateful of His way and His plan for us. I would like to say I am nothing but happiness and rainbows here… But that just wouldn’t be true. I just get overwhelmed here and see in a normal conversation with my mom or sister God coming up is normal stuff. But here? Man, it’s a different story. It isn’t even me trying to share the Gospel it’s just normal conversation and my response to whatever is being discussed. But He comes up a lot and then I worry how to say it and how to express myself and then I am like oh no what even is Japanese? How do you speak that thingy. But I always come back to His peace and I am in awe of how just really great He is. Because you have no idea how so SO SO many situations here are just the PERFECT opportunity for Satan to lure me into a pit I knew for so long. Like the second I get an itsy bit of sadness I just think good thing God restored you because wow that’d be bad if you were still in bondage. I don’t think the enemy actually goes around and does things that bother me and tries to do it all in one day, but when life things happen Satan is ready to bring fear and for us to invite it in. But the thing that almost cracks me up is all this restlessness actually results in me just wanting to praise God even more.

I have been in Japan for more than two months and something that I didn’t expect was how much God plays a role in everything. I know that sounds silly, but I didn’t realize the triviality of everything else without salvation. This realization is in result of a) my new found freedom and b) my new surrounding of those who don’t share my faith. I mean the simplest of things like news stories or even the complex things. A recent story that is flooding the news is of a High School student who killed her classmate. And to my grandmother or to someone without faith this is a story of a child that a parent didn’t direct correctly. But to me it’s so much more than that. This young lady’s reasoning to kill someone was because she said she had an interest in death and what happened afterward. And I think you know that really isn’t that far off from what a lot of lost people think. I mean I can’t imagine living a life where you have no idea where you are going. I mean death of the flesh is inevitable and if no one has answers well of course you are going to wonder. My aunt said something like if only someone taught her right and wrong and my grandmother showed curiosity on how she was raised. She even brought up the idea that it would beneficial if the parent enlightened the public on what wisdom was missing in the child’s life so they would commit such crime. As they discussed this crime, I felt so separated from them.
If this happened in the U.S. and I was having a conversation with my mother God and the eternity He has given us would come up instantly. But I just sat there and I didn’t know how to respond because I have an answer of what happens after death and that’s all this young girl wanted. This girl comes from an elite educated family and that holds great weight here. So I think the question everyone is asking is how could a girl from such a “good” family become so lost. And the only answer I can conjure is that she was seeking, but no one had answers for her. No one could stand firm on a rock and say, someone made a way for you so that you could know the father and worship with Him for all of your days. The assurance eternity grants is incomprehensible. This girl to me kind of shows the cry of the lost here. There isn’t even a different god that people cling to. No one knows and the answers vary from each individual. “You become a star.” “You don’t know until you get there.” “I don’t know.” And you know none of those answers are satisfying. There is one answer and one way. The fact I know the Truth is a blessing and miracle in itself. I believe that when my mom became a believer she broke the curse on my family here that ensured death. God is stirring and I hold onto the word every in Philippians 2:9-11  


Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.


God said every so I will believe when He said every. He is to be glorified and so I will glorify Him.


School starts in 20 days and for the first time since ever I am excited because being extra bum than I usually am in summer is getting old and this is just me.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

There is Nothing like Jesus Peace!

GOD is good.

I just got off skype with my mom and whew I feel filled with peace that can only come from my Saviour. We prayed and I was just blown away (yet again) by this connection that God gives us. I mean here I am in a different country, yet through the unity that we serve under one God I am so connected! Praying alone is important to me, but praying in numbers brings the Holy Spirit in a hurry.

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20

I just feel so peaceful right now after certain events brought my soul, that was led to still waters, to a wave pool. It blows my mind that together my mother and I can pray together where the Lord is and He brings peace that makes me want to dance. It's almost as if He is saying, I am far bigger than any ocean or time zone and where you call upon me I will come. What a peace that gives me. And I just feel so peaceful and I know you shouldn't use a word over and over in writing, but all I can say is I have peace and it is from my God.

When I called my mom, I was agitated and I just felt unsettled and it felt like someone threw a big ole' rock into my calm waters and the sand had not settled quite just yet. But whew, isn't it amazing that calling upon our Father brings our unrest to rest. And now my water is clearer than the beaches of Hawaii or even Jamaica.

It is in storms that I have to remind myself that His boat is unsinkable. And if I just go to His boat when the waves began to be more than I can handle I will be in victory. It is easier said than done. This makes me think back to Peter in Matthew 14:22-33. In verse 30, Peter begins to go to Jesus "but when [Peter] saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid". And he cried out for Jesus to save him. It continues, to say that Jesus immediately took out His hand and saved Peter. And then in the oh so famous red, Jesus says, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" So in the physical print this is about Peter, but as we know the living book isn't stopped my the mere physical realm. And this isn't just Peter, it is myself as well.

Jesus is so faithful. I mean the crazy thing to me is He came to earth as a man. A MAN people!!!! Despite how unfaithful I can become, He immediately saves me. It blows my mind that He was faithful when He was a man and just like wow He is perfect and He faced every temptation and struggle we did and not as a God as a man. But He remained white as snow and then He seperated himself from the Father for me (us).  And sometimes I am faithful, but I can't say I am faithful as His grace. It brings the same question Jesus asked to Peter to my mind. But why oh self would you doubt when you know He is the only sure thing. My only solution is doubt comes the moment I lose my all consuming fear of the Lord. It takes a moment to let fear inside. The enemy can't come in unless we welcome it. It's interesting that the wind that occured in the flesh was what brought fear to Peter. Unlike God, the enemy has no depth and Satan's power can only first attack the physical body.

This brings once again the forever occuring message that we must set our eyes upon Him and eat His bread and drink His living water.

I am awe of Jesus and the peace He only can give is indescribable and this is just me.

Saturday, July 5, 2014

Freedom and Compromising

It's been a while. I missed you dearest blog. I should probably sleep, but when one is in a writing mood one must write.

It was recently the 4th of July and when I looked at my social media accounts my peers and friends bombarded my feeds with things pertaining to July 4th. I am not patriotic at all. If anything I am unpatriotic. When patriotism becomes invloved a general theme is the freedoms America has and the lives lost to obtain it. I have a problem with individuals that insist their contries peoples' lives have greater value than say a terrorist. As if one soul that Christ made a way for is worth more than  another soul. I dare not say all Americans think this way, but where I grew (growing) up this idea is more common than I'd like to admit. I don't dishonor the military in any way and it is very sorrowful for all the lives that were lost. But it is hard for me to be genuine in my sorrows completely when the "freedom" being fought for creates a devestaing warzone for another country. No life is greater than another. We are not worth more because what we believe or what country we live in. We are worthless. Yet, God decided to save us anyways. That is my pride. His grace saved me from death. And my freedom comes from my Saviour. Not the country I live in. I am in awe with my God who made me free and He alone can give us true freedom.

I was in a Christian Book store the other day and I saw something that startled me and left me feeling quite unsettled. I saw a Manga Bible and playing battle cards? Manga is a very disturbing industry to me. The art is sexualizing of women and the characters can often have a fantasy feel to them. I have only seen covers and the inside contents are no doubt full of immorality and things the devil delights in. My point is that Manga and the Bible (which is truth and light) should never be mixed. I saw this display of battle cards with Bible characters on them that were unidentifiable and appeared more like mystical fantasy creatures. The women's bodies were outrageous. I  have several problems with these cards and the manga Bible.

1) The characters had purple, blue, pink hair. They had glowing crowns on their heads. The backgrounds were not of Earth. In short, they seemed like fictional, mystical creatures. My obvious problem with this is that if a non-Christian or even a Christian were to see this then the real characters and the truths in the Bible will have a potential to become associated with this theme of fantasy.

2) It compromises truth. This doesn't really need an explanation.

3) I associate manga with sexual, immoral, possesive material. This manga looked exactly like the secular manga. That is unacceptal and gives the wrong image of what peace and life the Bible gives.

There are probably a dozen more reason I can discuss on why I had such a problem with these cards and the mange Bible. But my final thought leads to what is the Church compromising? This is just one example of what the Church has let slip in order to what? I suppose because manga is so popular the purpose was to create a manga that is "Bible" based. The compromising leads to lukewarm Christians. God wants to spit out lukewarm Christians. But before I point to the church I must remember that I am part of the church and I surely am compromising too in different areas. It is crucial as ambassadors of Christ that we must do our best to represent our perfect God. But when we compromise it can lead to death. There is either life or death. There is no eh kinda alive but also dead.

I believe that if we truly set our eyes on Him and have our spirit have dominion over our lives then there will be a lack of  compromising. My desire is to truly set my eyes on Him, but that proves to be a struggle at times. I fret over the small things and everything nowadays moves in lightning speeds. I mean, I can communicate with my sister who is hundreds of miles away in an instant. But He tells us to Be still and know that He is God. So my prayer is this.

I am in a not so still enviroment, but I will chase after His word that tells me to be still and this is just me.

Saturday, June 7, 2014

Provider and Planner

I like to reread my posts mainly to check for mistakes and such. As I checked tonight, I thought I should probably add to my freedom testimony.

I suppose I have to begin back in December of 2013. It was a silly little church group party and I had a particular "teenager" mood that day. One thing led to another and the next thing you know I am in the backseat of the car that is parked in the driveway and to say the least I broke. Depression or any kind of bondage has only one solution. And everything else beside His blood is just a distraction. I had pretended to be okay that I tricked my self that I actually was okay. It is exhausting having to be so numb inside. However, I would like to just say that being in a pit doens't mean I am 24/7 grasping to the thought of suicide. For me at least, it came at night and it was almost like a storm that shakes you and makes you bare until you feel like you have nothing left. Their are storm seasons and also dry seasons. I had tricked myelf into a dry season. With some prodding, my mother in a way unlocked what I had been wrestling to hide.

Once I could no longer fool myself I couldn't function. I didn't go to school for three days. I didn't care that I missed the party I was just so exhausted of faking it to everyone that I was okay. I was like a dam and everything I had managed to contain rushed out and I couldn't manage it. So I decided to be homeschooled or do virtual school. But what could I tell people? Yes, I am going to be homeschooled. Oh why? Because my depression has entrapped me to the point where I don't have any energy to go to school. Looking back, all of my anguish could of been quickly released. Exhasuted? Find Rest in Him. Lost? The Shepherd guides. The list goes on.

A few years ago I really wanted to go to Japan and we (myself + mother) visited the school I am actually going to go to this year. There are too many "coincidences" in my testimony. When homeschool looked like the option for me my mom asked if I wanted to go to Japan as I told her many times that December night I didn't want to be here. Even that vulnerable I couldn't say to my mother that I wanted to die. I meant here as in Earth. But all the pieces pulled together and now here I am in Japan.

So my mindset before I came to Japan was to get filled up by Christ so when this church event that is held once a month is displayed I think okay that won't hurt to go. Little did I know that at that church event I would begin my life in a freedom I had never experienced. To add just an added extra Provider-ness for you. This particular Sunday was jam packed. We were running all over the metroplex and if we had had time to stop by the house before this event I guarantee I wouldv'e collapsed and not have gone.

To sum things up, now that you know the background:

I wanted to go to Japan before and already had a school I could go to.
I have given up on the idea and am going to my local  highschool.
Mother and I get into a "fight" I reveal to myself and that I am very broken.
I stop going to school.
I decide to be homeschooled and decide to go to Japan
I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ before I go.
Extra church event on a Sunday night? Why not.
Gets free.

I don't really like the idea that things that happen are the way it was meant to be. Like divorce? Meant to be? Yeah unlikely. But I do believe that no matter how many times we stumble God can redirect our path and make our scars another reason to glorify Him. I can't say being depressed was meant to be, but I can say that I was lost and when I was found He made a way to use my dark path to show His light to others. I kept avoiding His path and He faithfully redirected me everytime and I finally made my way to freedom. What a faithfull God we serve!

These events are far too coincidental for me. I know my God has been planning (and re-planning) and providing. I really feel strongly that my anthem this season with the Lord is that He will Provide. I can't say it enough.

It has been raining for three days. and I mean like non-stop raining. Normally, being bymyself constantly would normally be a recipe for dark thoughts. And add the depressing rain? But it just happens that I am too free and filled with living water to have any room for the enemies antics.

There is nothing like living in freedom and this is just me.

Friday, June 6, 2014

Japan so far

Oh Hi there blog that I have shortly abandoned. In my defense, this computer deletes my sentences or just does funny business that is extremely annoying. Also, I am used to writing on my bed with the computer in my lap and this whole no wifi thing is different. So my hope is even when I get busy with school I can at LEAST write once a week. Memories are precious and writing clears my head and sometimes we just have to be still.

I suddenly feel a slight pressure as my URL has been shared with family friends (Hi and thank you for your encouragement) and I kind of am nervous as I can just see my mother tsking at some grammatical error. So as this computer doesn't have an English spell check, do forgive me. But I started this blog to I suppose write about this journey in Japan as well as my everlasting journey with Christ. I am writing it for me and if a few people want to join me on this adventure then, welcome.

The plane ride isn't worth writing about except that I spilled my Sierra Mist on the guy sitting next to me. He was really nice about it. But going through customs with the a Japanese passport is quite the different experience. The line moves at the blink of eye and when my passport is "checked" it is only for a mere few seconds. My grandpa and aunt with my precious cousin were waiting for me at the airport. I love every inch of my cousin and the best part is every time I see him I am reminded that my God provides. I think on his birthday I will write about his arrival or perhaps on the anniversery of the day he came to our family. At the moment, his mother is favorite person and he drools more than any other baby I have seen. For whatever reason, he has let me hold him which makes me extremely happy considering besides our Obachan, his mom, and kinda his dad he wails. I have spent a few days with my aunt and cousin. A year with just pictures is just not the same. Even his cries are cute and the thought of anyone saying anything mean to him pains me.

Adoption is not common in Japan and because of this I am sure my cousin may face negative reactions. But as my (our) God has shown before He will surely provide. I have already decided that baby K is going to know Christ as his Saviour. I don't know if it is okay if I just decide that, but I have and when I hold him I pray over his precious life. He may not be able to speak yet, but that doesn't stop the devil. And that surely doesn't stop me or God. I was talking to my Aunt and showed me a few books that were intended for children that were adopted. One was orignally written in English and then translated. We started talking about adoption here and in America and she said she want baby K to go to America or have the possibility open to him because in America adoption isn't anything to be ashamed of. Thinking about it makes me cry. As we talked, I almost didn't recognize that part of my aunt. She has changed so much. It is kind of known that my aunt is/was kind of hard? in certain areas. Although, she is hilarious and there has already been so many baksho (bursting in laughter) moments. But as she talked about baby K there was I suppose the mother gene showing and I felt so grateful. So many women struggle with infertility and although she struggled as well it  was short lived and at the end she became a mother. I heard her anguish and love for baby K and I was so overwhelmed that our family could ever recieve such life. It is a lot to go into here, but baby K coming into my non-Christian family is incredible. Baby K's arrival has already impacted me tremedously. Not just because I have a cousin, but I mean how he came and its signifigance has made God feel so incredibly intimate and real. How is it that I get to declare The Almighty Provider as my personal Saviour? I will never deserve it, but oh do I gladly except His grace.

I did go to church last Sunday and althouh I would have loved to share the message I have to admit that I was VERY sleepy because of jet lag and my eyes were very heavy during the message. Most of my energy was trying to keep my eyes open. But I did feel very grateful towards this church. It was packed with old people. The thought of these aged Japanese people that have the most "traditionalist" thinking worshipping God made me so thankful. It doesn't matter how old or young. Or how broken and lost our Shepard will guide us.

My Grandma and I have been trekking our way through conversations. With my broken Japanese and her hearing and with the added fact she thinks I don't understand any Japanese we are quite frankly struggling. But still in the midst of all that we are communicating. My Obachan is a thinker and not very Japanese like. You don't think in Japan because there is so much fear and no definite belief system so the thinkers are few. I don't mean thinkers as in people who are smart, but my Obachan sees people and she thinks about things typical Japanese don't. I love these things about her. It is because of this that when we talk and I mention God I know she doesn't think I am just a crazy westerner. She may not belive Jesus to be her Saviour (yet), but it seems that she acknowledges that in fact He is alive and my Saviour. She seems to like to about my Dad and all his stuff. This gives me plentiful of oppurtunities to discuss my dependence on God and the freedom He provides and my hope for reconcilliation. Baby K's biological mother is also  frequently discussed and adoption is as well. We were dead, but He made a way so we could live again. Because of this phenomenon I view life differently and Baby K's life differently. When adoption is brought up I am given windows of opprutinity to share some Light. As my home church's pastor says no one can argue with your testimony. So as I aquire Japanese I pray to be able to show my Obachan His glory. I need to learn the word depression in Japanese because when I am ready I think sharing my restoration and freedom is the best way I can show how real my God is. My Obachan does the ancestor thing and I believe in demonic forces and as I think her praying calls upon them I have already done the justice to call upon the name of the Lord to this house. The mere mention of His name makes anything called flee. I have declared this house to be a house of God and ask for your declarance of this too. I think there is a certain power in numbers.

I am far too tired to proofread this so here is my first post from Japan and this is just me.

Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Packing Panics

Well, a few hours ago I freaked out. I was packing and decided to weigh my bag and it was about 65lbs. I'm pretty sure the limit is 50lbs and I'm still not even finished packing. I had carefully rolled all my clothes up or folded the thick ones, but when I saw the 65lbs worth of clothes it looked like I carelessly threw the clothes into the suitcase. So with the sudden stress that I am about leave and finally realizing that AND my bag being far too over weight... well I went into full distress mode.

I started taking everything out of my suitcase like a mad man. I moved my thicker and heavier clothes into a duffel bag I planned to take anyway. And although I have tried to eliminate as many clothes I know I shouldn't bring before I tried again. I did take out quite a decent amount of clothes that I probably won't wear. It is the probably that kills me. Like what if I have the prefect outfit idea, but I can't wear because that one shirt is at home. It sounds dumb, but I am thinking that. I hate deciding things and have been trying to bombard my sister with questions of whether to bring an item or not. Much to my annoyance she doesn't decide for me and becomes practical and asks if I have worn it in the last year. Considering going outside and wearing acceptable clothing isn't exactly my forte that is a hard question. I have come to realize I buy too many things and despite their cuteness I shouldn't have bought them. I always shop till I drop in Japan and this time when I shop I will hesitate before I go full shopaholic.

Anyways, I started rerolling and putting in all of my clothes that I had yet to put in my suitcase. My sock obsession is becoming apparent as I pack. I obviously have the normal socks for converse and running shoes and such, but my pretty ones with ruffles and patterns take a surprisingly good hunk of space in my suitcase. But space doesn't matter really it is more weight that has me pulling my hair out.  I put all of my socks into one bag and it was HUGE.

I still haven't worked out how I am going to fit everything in my bag including some books, makeup, and shoes. It'll somehow work out. But the thing is I am going to AT THE AIRPORT IN 24 HOURS. Like as in ONE DAY PEOPLE. Also, why am I still up?  Packing is stressing me out, but tomorrow I  am going to Chick-fil-a one last time and having a friend come over before I leave. I'll probably take my stuff out all over again and finish cleaning everything with her. Maybe she can help me be decisive. I am surprisingly not tired. It is probably because of nerves or something.

OH and I have the worst allergies and I'm not really on my medication I should be taking so my allergies can flare up. Long story short my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed. I hate allergies.

I still haven't even started getting ready for bed and read anything yet. Depending on how things go I will either write tomorrow night/morning or IN JAPAN!!!!!

I am leAVING IN ONE DAY and this is just me.

Monday, May 26, 2014


I just set an alarm for when I need to wake up for my flight and it said two days and five hours. Did you catch that because it went by pretty fast?.Two days and five hours. Where did the time go?

Some bricks decided to hop on my eyes so this is a super brief post, but I had a really great day. A handful of my friends came over and wowowow was it great to have them here. I'm having a friend (hi because you're #number1fan) over on Wednesday. And then it'll be a year before I am back. It sounds like a lot, but then again this year went by so fast so it's only a year. We went and took professional pictures today and I felt like Mr. Potato. But at least I captured my face in all its potato glory.

I can hardly write another word.... and now I am apparently writing like a potato too.

Here is the lamest post ever, but just a remembrance that I have the best friends and this is just me.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Rage On

f o u r days.
My suitcase is filled to the very brim and my closet only holds the items I am leaving. I felt like it was like three days ago that I started pursuing going to Japan. I was a friend's birthday party today and when it hit two weeks until I would leave I felt the need to hang out with all of my two and a half friends. But today, as I was there to a certain extant it seemed of such minimal importance. I don't know why.  But I'm having a few friends over for Memorial Day which I am sure will help me chill about packing which still is stressing me out. It seems I stress over the little things.
I am currently reading a book called, "The Spiritual Man" written by Watchman Nee. A family friend lent it to me and although I've hardly made a dent in it, it has already changed the way I look at my relationship with God and how I read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me how God provides for us. The day I received the book was the day my chains were destroyed. I began to read the preface as we drove to the church event. Nee wrote about how as Christians when we encounter God it is common that we assume that that is all God has in store for us. However, He is yet to be finished with showing us all of His glory. God is so big and I will never be able to comprehend His power. This is the mindset I have in the service, and as I begin to realize that I am being restored from depression, suicide, and regret. I was trembling of fear of my God, but I realized (with the help of Watchman Nee) I had only hit the tip of the ice berg. So my prayer is that I will not be satisfied and I will engulf myself into His Living water and submerge myself and dive in and seek the end of the iceberg. I have a feeling it happens to be an endless iceberg.
As I am still day by day understanding the supernatural healing God did for me I have still not put all of my "testimony" up. A pastor that night spoke along the lines that when you have bondage for so long it can become part of what you believe to be your identity. You can encourage the strongholds with the constant demeaning of yourself. This struck a huge cord within me. I forgot what it felt like to be in freedom. In fact, I wonder if I ever knew freedom. I believed in the bondage more than anything else. Ordinarily I wouldn't declare I was depressed, but if some truth syrup slipped into my drink and I was asked, "Who I was" I imagine I'd say, " I am dying and I can't breath because depression strangles you." That'll warm a heart eh? That was who I thought I was. So as I am reflecting what the pastor said I almost laugh because it appears God himself specifically told the pastor to say that for me. He also said that many of us decide to stay in the "comfortable" bondage rather then the unknown freedom. Isn't that good? The word is powerful, but when I was in such dark pits it felt impossible to read the Bible. I knew it could set me free, but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to read the Bible to be free. Except, that's where my fundamental Christian beliefs stumbled. It is not based on my works that I am free, but His grace. So with the fire I have for my Savior it is a pleasure to be able to read the only living book in the universe. I have been restored and now as I am in the restoration process I pray to root myself in the Rock.
Also, today's message at church was eye-opening. God has a tendency to that. I am so grateful for a church that has a pastor that has revelation upon revelation given to him. I will probably write about it tomorrow.
I pray that I will seek to replenish myself in oil every day so that I would keep my fire for the Lord raging. I am living in freedom and this is just me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Stand Up

There are nine more days. I am down to the single digits. I want to quickly jump right back in to further elaborate on my experiences of last night.
As a family on Sunday nights, we have a devotion and share what we thought of the message from that day and other revelations God had given to us in that week. There were so many devotions that I couldn't wait till we were done. Yesterday was an extremely long day and we decided to wait till tonight to share our revelation experiences. I was so pumped yesterday to share my revelation, but as my mom mentioned devotion a feeling of dread and shame overcame me. I didn't know if I could really share. I did for the one reason of knowing that my restoration was the works of the Lord and the works of the Most High must be declared.
I want to recount the messages I received last night. These thoughts are not of mine, but of those who spoke last night at the church event I attended. There were so many things that hit right at home. It was said that God doesn't heal us for us, but to redeem us so then we can glorify and exalt His kingdom. What an honor to be have the privilege of knowing a King and being  healed by Him.
This ministry has many testimonies and as this event is held once a month the healing and supernatural power that is demonstrated on these nights are shared. This one particular elder of the church read some healing testimonies that were surely from our Savior. Then he shared his testimony and this is where God began to work. He started sharing his depression and struggle with suicide and when you have been chained to depression and suicide for so long the slight mention of depression stirs something. In the last six months, I have had two "arguments" with my mother on things linked to depression. I knew my mother to an extent knew I was not happy, but I did not know whether she knew if I was controlled by the desire to escape life. I assumed my sister had no idea. But as this elder speaks and tells us that in a moment we need to stand if we have ever had suicidal thoughts or depression my heart raced. How could I stand? But how could I not stand? I thought of how I begged God to kill me night after night. I had so much anger for Him that He kept me here. I wanted to die so badly. I spent endless nights fighting the urge to cut myself and begging God to either free me or kill me. But in this moment I knew I had to stand, but I didn't know if I could. My every moment with God revolved around depression, but here I was with  the opportunity to be restored and I didn't know if I could stand. But then I was reminded of this particular moment in my life.
I was at a Christian youth camp. The message of the night was about sexual immorality and that previous morning we had a session on purity. The whole time I knew I should have gone to prayer, but my pride held me back. After all, I had never actually done anything sexual immoral and it was all in my head. The rest of the day I had a regretful feeling hanging around me. But as I have discovered the Lord always will re-direct us to His path. Well the evening message came around and the moment the preacher began to discuss sexual immorality my heart began to race. I was sitting in the inside of the isle and on the end of my isle my youth pastors sat. As the preacher prepared to call us for an alter call I knew I could not miss this encounter with God. But pride and the enemy fought with me. So many thoughts ran through my mind. What will they think if I go for an alter call for sexual immorality? I appear so innocent so no one would ever know how sinful you are if you don't go. What will your sister think? And then there was my youth pastors that I would have to pass as I went to the alter call. The pastor is counting. He says on the count of three to come down. One... "You can be released from here." Two... "You're fine you haven't even had a boyfriend." Three... "I don't care." I happened to be sitting where there was no row behind me and rather than facing passing my youth pastors I jumped over my seat and made my way to the alter. There I literally knelt before my Redeemer and sobbed.
So in this moment of again questions of whether I could submit before God and forget about what anyone else thought God put this event into my heart. I knew I would hate myself for not standing. So I stood. The elder told the congregation that this kind of prayer was the holding prayer so my mother grabbed me and a hand gripped my shoulder. When I stood it was silent. I was finally declaring that I was so broken and I was going to do my part. As wrote previously, I always thought that my sister was always the one who got to release her pain. So I confidently knew that I would be the only one standing. But then when my mother grabs me she grabs my sister as well. Satan fed me lies for so long that I was the only one who knew this pain of wanting to die. I was the one who was too broken and I had to fake it very day. Yet, here I was with people all around me going at war in prayer to denounce not only my bondage with depression, but my sisters. This shattered the enemies lies.
There is so much more to share, but this post is starting to look like a chapter so until tomorrow. My prayer is to never forget His victory. I will come across a dark valley, but I will not fear for He is with me. At tonight's devotion I realized how crucial it is to share our revelations.
I am in the process of restoration and this is just me.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


On this May 18th, 2014 I was restored to freedom. And dearest self, remind yourself daily of this victory for when the enemy tries to snatch your victory away declare that He has won!
I can't possibly fit in all of what God has done for me tonight and the events leading up to this moment, but in these moments that my heart still trembles with fear of the Lord and a heavenly peace has been instilled in my soul I must record this feeling. On my darkest days, I have to hold on to this.
The first time I thought about killing myself I was about 7 years old. I remember it so vividly as the devil has used this image to degrade my self-worth. I knew it wasn't normal to want to die at that age and this thought grew with the help of the enemy. My journey with depression and suicidal thoughts started long before seven however. My parents divorced when I was two and my sister was five. I always remember hearing my mom or other adults saying the oldest child has a harder time with things like divorce. That may be true, but from my earliest memories I believed the lie of the enemy that I had to hold everything in because the oldest was the one who had the privilege to release their pain.
The divorce and its aftermath destroyed a lot. Our situation was like a pressure pot and our constant instability with swinging back and forth between two houses left my sister and I with a lot of built up steam waiting to be released. We primarily lived with our mom and our house was a safe-haven.  Here, my sister released all of the her stress and anger and it wasn't always pretty. It was terrifying for me at the time and was the beginning of Satan's scheme to feed me lie after lie. I constantly felt my mom couldn't handle me letting it go. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to and for that resentment towards my sister flooded my heart.  This didn't mean I was an easy child, but I did attempt to suppress as much as possible.
 A war in my heart arose. This anger towards my sister that she got to release everything when I had to fake it every day built up. While at the same time I recognized that she was truly an amazing older sister. So this vivid image of myself as an elementary student, begging God to just let me die resonated in my heart. I just remember feeling so alone and exhausted. It seemed so unfair that my sister got to be not okay. For the next eleven or so years I had a constant battle with dark forces and my lifestyle that kept the depression and pain brewing.
But here's the good news. Tonight, I am restored from all depression, thoughts of self-harm, and depression. I am still in the reformation process so listen up self and declare daily that you are free and you will never go back to that life. Not because you worked hard to read the Bible and spent time with God, but because of His grace. His grace has done it. This is the over-simplified version of tonight's events. But for now, this is all I can manage to stay awake for.
God is so good and the way He provided and planned everything today is overwhelming. I can not express my awe. I never want to lose this awe of my Savior. There are about ten more days here and my fire for the Lord has just begun.
And Satan, you have no power and I am free and this is just me.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Teenager Tendencies

I am leaving in two weeks. Wow. I am freaking out. I've started packing ish. I've rolled up a bunch a t-shirts and other staple items in my wardrobe. It isn't important what to bring, but this seems like the only thing worrying me. I can always go shopping, which I will, but wow it is so hard for me to decide to bring a dress that I may not wear.
My first worries were how I could adjust living with people that don't believe in God and for that matter living in a country full of a demonic presence. But suddenly, my anguish is eliminated. I'm not saying there won't be times where I may struggle with fear, but all I can think is it is finished. What a blessing it is that I can declare that! All my "worries" have now been limited to miscellaneous things like what clothes to bring or what to wear to the airport.
 I suddenly am also struck with the fact I won't see my friends during the summer. That sounds like the lamest thing ever. My school doesn't start until late August and after my mom and sister leave I have a month of what?  I know it's a silly thing to worry that I may be bored. Is this my inner-teenager showing? There is one friend of mine that I feel as if we are on the same page in almost everything. We always have the most random conversations and they are almost always late at night. It's these things I think I will miss. But it's only for a year and I am not completely isolated thanks to technology.
I sound like the most teenager girl ever, but this is just me.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Happy Mother's Day!


Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day is a day of gratitude and appreciation. My mother is a woman of God and I am always so grateful she raised me in His light. Single mothers are my heroes. On this day of joy there is also sorrow. It seems that nowadays so many woman are suffering from infertility and I can't even imagine the grief possibly felt on this particular day. Infertility is close to home as my aunt was unable to have children of her own. But, oh did the Lord provide. Adoption isn't a common option in Japan, but somehow my aunt pursued this option. Long story short, my aunt has a baby and I have a baby cousin that is nearing the age of one years old. His arrival is a testimony of God's supernatural power. God is so good! My cousin's arrival is another blog post, but as this was my aunt's first mother's day I was reminded of how this life was brought into my family.

 I had a wonderful weekend with my family-just the three of us. My sister is in college and I am leaving in... 17 DAYS!!! Life is so short and these moments that we can spend time together is getting limited. Today, we went to church and then went shopping and when I got home I was exhausted. As soon as I got home I wanted to collapse, but I had intentions to make a cake for mother's day so I slaved in the kitchen to make a Mother's Day cake. I like to decorate cakes and bake, BUT I can't bake anything. I've made many different cakes and all of them have had at least some kind of failure. If it was cute then it was inedible. It's kind of a joke among the three of us of how I can never quite create a cute AND edible cake.
Well, today I finally did it. With the help of a Japanese cake mix, I made a very delicious cake. We had matcha powder so I decided to make a matcha cream cake with strawberries.

It tasted ah-mazing! Also it was my little way of saying "Thank you" to my mom.
I made the banner using paper and a needle and thread. It's close to free and adds that extra to the cake.
After all the baking disastrous I have had it is finally nice to have had this cake turn out delicious(Japanese box cake ftw). It was such a nice weekend and the message at church was such a new profound revelation. Our family devotion was also lovely. I have 17 days left and during my last week’s here I hope to strengthen my relationship with Christ with my mom and sister. I feel so peaceful and all my anguish just isn't even comparable to how big God is. In Psalms 46:10, it says "Be still, and know that I am God..." This has been my anthem this past week. It is such a blessing to serve a living God.
 It was a refreshing weekend and I even went shopping! Happy Mother's Day and this is just me

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Prep. Time

 I'm leaving in 19 days. I'm trying to clean everything in my room. My closet already looks pristine and I may just have to lug out my suitcase tomorrow to start packing. I am a girl and it won't be easy to decide what to bring. I need a lot of time contemplating what exactly to bring. It seriously feels so weird to think that I am going to leave for an entire year.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I am going to make a box cake for my mom. Plus, I have a HUGE  craving for cake. I wish I was a baker, but I've never made anything that doesn't taste disgusting. I recently made cake pops and wow were they cute, but I put sooooo much icing that it was diabetes in a ball. I can make things look quite cute, but the taste I just can't get down. So I am sticking to box cakes. It's safer for everyone's palate. This box cake is from Japan and is a sponge cake type thing. My idea for the design is quite cute so I might just upload pictures. Who says this blog just has to be about Japan. It's not like anyone reads this anyways and I'm  doing it for me. I find writing/typing is really stress releasing.

19 more days and this is just me.  

Thursday, May 8, 2014

An Introduction?

First, some background information. I am sixteen years old and half-Japanese. In three weeks I will be on a plane with a one-way ticket to Japan. Almost every summer I go to Japan accompanied with my mother and sister and soak up the precious moments with our family there and then we return to the States. This time there won’t be any returning on my part. I will be going to an International Christian School and live with my grandparents for an entire year. I have always dreamt of the idea of living in Japan, but I could never imagine I would have this opportunity to experience a country I love in this way.

I love Japan. I love every bit of Japanese cuisine and my cravings are constantly of miso ramen or just a simple convini onigiri. Something about their onigiri is so satisfying. But the main reason I love Japan is the obvious reason that all of my family is in Japan.  The fact that Japanese food is supreme in quality and anything really in Japan is far better of course adds to the appeal Japan has to me. I have to reiterate myself and say I love Japan, but I also know that Japan is a nation without light. A nation without Christ. I believe that we are built to serve and worship God. In Japan, there is nothing like that. There is no sense of sin and this gives me such heart-ache to see a nation so lost while I know who can heal and redeem them. My mother, sister, and I wholeheartedly desire for our family’s salvation.

During my stay in Japan, I hope to shed some of Christ’s light to my grandparents. I know sharing the gospel is so important, but more than that I want be so God-filled that my testimony will simply radiate from me. I want to constantly have a huge banner above me declaring that I am a Christian and not in some religious group, but that I am in an active relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that I am completely lost without my Savior. I know He has already won the victory for me and I will continue to remind myself of this. Japan isn’t a Christian nation. There aren’t even the Christmas or Easter goers like in the U.S. so although I may face dark forces and be discouraged I will continue to remind myself that it is finished.  I hope to record my thoughts and treat this blog as my little diary/story trip thing. And then I can look back and laugh at myself and reminisce.


So yeah this is just me.