Wednesday, May 28, 2014

Packing Panics

Well, a few hours ago I freaked out. I was packing and decided to weigh my bag and it was about 65lbs. I'm pretty sure the limit is 50lbs and I'm still not even finished packing. I had carefully rolled all my clothes up or folded the thick ones, but when I saw the 65lbs worth of clothes it looked like I carelessly threw the clothes into the suitcase. So with the sudden stress that I am about leave and finally realizing that AND my bag being far too over weight... well I went into full distress mode.

I started taking everything out of my suitcase like a mad man. I moved my thicker and heavier clothes into a duffel bag I planned to take anyway. And although I have tried to eliminate as many clothes I know I shouldn't bring before I tried again. I did take out quite a decent amount of clothes that I probably won't wear. It is the probably that kills me. Like what if I have the prefect outfit idea, but I can't wear because that one shirt is at home. It sounds dumb, but I am thinking that. I hate deciding things and have been trying to bombard my sister with questions of whether to bring an item or not. Much to my annoyance she doesn't decide for me and becomes practical and asks if I have worn it in the last year. Considering going outside and wearing acceptable clothing isn't exactly my forte that is a hard question. I have come to realize I buy too many things and despite their cuteness I shouldn't have bought them. I always shop till I drop in Japan and this time when I shop I will hesitate before I go full shopaholic.

Anyways, I started rerolling and putting in all of my clothes that I had yet to put in my suitcase. My sock obsession is becoming apparent as I pack. I obviously have the normal socks for converse and running shoes and such, but my pretty ones with ruffles and patterns take a surprisingly good hunk of space in my suitcase. But space doesn't matter really it is more weight that has me pulling my hair out.  I put all of my socks into one bag and it was HUGE.

I still haven't worked out how I am going to fit everything in my bag including some books, makeup, and shoes. It'll somehow work out. But the thing is I am going to AT THE AIRPORT IN 24 HOURS. Like as in ONE DAY PEOPLE. Also, why am I still up?  Packing is stressing me out, but tomorrow I  am going to Chick-fil-a one last time and having a friend come over before I leave. I'll probably take my stuff out all over again and finish cleaning everything with her. Maybe she can help me be decisive. I am surprisingly not tired. It is probably because of nerves or something.

OH and I have the worst allergies and I'm not really on my medication I should be taking so my allergies can flare up. Long story short my throat hurts and my nose is stuffed. I hate allergies.

I still haven't even started getting ready for bed and read anything yet. Depending on how things go I will either write tomorrow night/morning or IN JAPAN!!!!!

I am leAVING IN ONE DAY and this is just me.

Monday, May 26, 2014


I just set an alarm for when I need to wake up for my flight and it said two days and five hours. Did you catch that because it went by pretty fast?.Two days and five hours. Where did the time go?

Some bricks decided to hop on my eyes so this is a super brief post, but I had a really great day. A handful of my friends came over and wowowow was it great to have them here. I'm having a friend (hi because you're #number1fan) over on Wednesday. And then it'll be a year before I am back. It sounds like a lot, but then again this year went by so fast so it's only a year. We went and took professional pictures today and I felt like Mr. Potato. But at least I captured my face in all its potato glory.

I can hardly write another word.... and now I am apparently writing like a potato too.

Here is the lamest post ever, but just a remembrance that I have the best friends and this is just me.

Sunday, May 25, 2014

Rage On

f o u r days.
My suitcase is filled to the very brim and my closet only holds the items I am leaving. I felt like it was like three days ago that I started pursuing going to Japan. I was a friend's birthday party today and when it hit two weeks until I would leave I felt the need to hang out with all of my two and a half friends. But today, as I was there to a certain extant it seemed of such minimal importance. I don't know why.  But I'm having a few friends over for Memorial Day which I am sure will help me chill about packing which still is stressing me out. It seems I stress over the little things.
I am currently reading a book called, "The Spiritual Man" written by Watchman Nee. A family friend lent it to me and although I've hardly made a dent in it, it has already changed the way I look at my relationship with God and how I read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me how God provides for us. The day I received the book was the day my chains were destroyed. I began to read the preface as we drove to the church event. Nee wrote about how as Christians when we encounter God it is common that we assume that that is all God has in store for us. However, He is yet to be finished with showing us all of His glory. God is so big and I will never be able to comprehend His power. This is the mindset I have in the service, and as I begin to realize that I am being restored from depression, suicide, and regret. I was trembling of fear of my God, but I realized (with the help of Watchman Nee) I had only hit the tip of the ice berg. So my prayer is that I will not be satisfied and I will engulf myself into His Living water and submerge myself and dive in and seek the end of the iceberg. I have a feeling it happens to be an endless iceberg.
As I am still day by day understanding the supernatural healing God did for me I have still not put all of my "testimony" up. A pastor that night spoke along the lines that when you have bondage for so long it can become part of what you believe to be your identity. You can encourage the strongholds with the constant demeaning of yourself. This struck a huge cord within me. I forgot what it felt like to be in freedom. In fact, I wonder if I ever knew freedom. I believed in the bondage more than anything else. Ordinarily I wouldn't declare I was depressed, but if some truth syrup slipped into my drink and I was asked, "Who I was" I imagine I'd say, " I am dying and I can't breath because depression strangles you." That'll warm a heart eh? That was who I thought I was. So as I am reflecting what the pastor said I almost laugh because it appears God himself specifically told the pastor to say that for me. He also said that many of us decide to stay in the "comfortable" bondage rather then the unknown freedom. Isn't that good? The word is powerful, but when I was in such dark pits it felt impossible to read the Bible. I knew it could set me free, but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to read the Bible to be free. Except, that's where my fundamental Christian beliefs stumbled. It is not based on my works that I am free, but His grace. So with the fire I have for my Savior it is a pleasure to be able to read the only living book in the universe. I have been restored and now as I am in the restoration process I pray to root myself in the Rock.
Also, today's message at church was eye-opening. God has a tendency to that. I am so grateful for a church that has a pastor that has revelation upon revelation given to him. I will probably write about it tomorrow.
I pray that I will seek to replenish myself in oil every day so that I would keep my fire for the Lord raging. I am living in freedom and this is just me.

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Stand Up

There are nine more days. I am down to the single digits. I want to quickly jump right back in to further elaborate on my experiences of last night.
As a family on Sunday nights, we have a devotion and share what we thought of the message from that day and other revelations God had given to us in that week. There were so many devotions that I couldn't wait till we were done. Yesterday was an extremely long day and we decided to wait till tonight to share our revelation experiences. I was so pumped yesterday to share my revelation, but as my mom mentioned devotion a feeling of dread and shame overcame me. I didn't know if I could really share. I did for the one reason of knowing that my restoration was the works of the Lord and the works of the Most High must be declared.
I want to recount the messages I received last night. These thoughts are not of mine, but of those who spoke last night at the church event I attended. There were so many things that hit right at home. It was said that God doesn't heal us for us, but to redeem us so then we can glorify and exalt His kingdom. What an honor to be have the privilege of knowing a King and being  healed by Him.
This ministry has many testimonies and as this event is held once a month the healing and supernatural power that is demonstrated on these nights are shared. This one particular elder of the church read some healing testimonies that were surely from our Savior. Then he shared his testimony and this is where God began to work. He started sharing his depression and struggle with suicide and when you have been chained to depression and suicide for so long the slight mention of depression stirs something. In the last six months, I have had two "arguments" with my mother on things linked to depression. I knew my mother to an extent knew I was not happy, but I did not know whether she knew if I was controlled by the desire to escape life. I assumed my sister had no idea. But as this elder speaks and tells us that in a moment we need to stand if we have ever had suicidal thoughts or depression my heart raced. How could I stand? But how could I not stand? I thought of how I begged God to kill me night after night. I had so much anger for Him that He kept me here. I wanted to die so badly. I spent endless nights fighting the urge to cut myself and begging God to either free me or kill me. But in this moment I knew I had to stand, but I didn't know if I could. My every moment with God revolved around depression, but here I was with  the opportunity to be restored and I didn't know if I could stand. But then I was reminded of this particular moment in my life.
I was at a Christian youth camp. The message of the night was about sexual immorality and that previous morning we had a session on purity. The whole time I knew I should have gone to prayer, but my pride held me back. After all, I had never actually done anything sexual immoral and it was all in my head. The rest of the day I had a regretful feeling hanging around me. But as I have discovered the Lord always will re-direct us to His path. Well the evening message came around and the moment the preacher began to discuss sexual immorality my heart began to race. I was sitting in the inside of the isle and on the end of my isle my youth pastors sat. As the preacher prepared to call us for an alter call I knew I could not miss this encounter with God. But pride and the enemy fought with me. So many thoughts ran through my mind. What will they think if I go for an alter call for sexual immorality? I appear so innocent so no one would ever know how sinful you are if you don't go. What will your sister think? And then there was my youth pastors that I would have to pass as I went to the alter call. The pastor is counting. He says on the count of three to come down. One... "You can be released from here." Two... "You're fine you haven't even had a boyfriend." Three... "I don't care." I happened to be sitting where there was no row behind me and rather than facing passing my youth pastors I jumped over my seat and made my way to the alter. There I literally knelt before my Redeemer and sobbed.
So in this moment of again questions of whether I could submit before God and forget about what anyone else thought God put this event into my heart. I knew I would hate myself for not standing. So I stood. The elder told the congregation that this kind of prayer was the holding prayer so my mother grabbed me and a hand gripped my shoulder. When I stood it was silent. I was finally declaring that I was so broken and I was going to do my part. As wrote previously, I always thought that my sister was always the one who got to release her pain. So I confidently knew that I would be the only one standing. But then when my mother grabs me she grabs my sister as well. Satan fed me lies for so long that I was the only one who knew this pain of wanting to die. I was the one who was too broken and I had to fake it very day. Yet, here I was with people all around me going at war in prayer to denounce not only my bondage with depression, but my sisters. This shattered the enemies lies.
There is so much more to share, but this post is starting to look like a chapter so until tomorrow. My prayer is to never forget His victory. I will come across a dark valley, but I will not fear for He is with me. At tonight's devotion I realized how crucial it is to share our revelations.
I am in the process of restoration and this is just me.

Sunday, May 18, 2014


On this May 18th, 2014 I was restored to freedom. And dearest self, remind yourself daily of this victory for when the enemy tries to snatch your victory away declare that He has won!
I can't possibly fit in all of what God has done for me tonight and the events leading up to this moment, but in these moments that my heart still trembles with fear of the Lord and a heavenly peace has been instilled in my soul I must record this feeling. On my darkest days, I have to hold on to this.
The first time I thought about killing myself I was about 7 years old. I remember it so vividly as the devil has used this image to degrade my self-worth. I knew it wasn't normal to want to die at that age and this thought grew with the help of the enemy. My journey with depression and suicidal thoughts started long before seven however. My parents divorced when I was two and my sister was five. I always remember hearing my mom or other adults saying the oldest child has a harder time with things like divorce. That may be true, but from my earliest memories I believed the lie of the enemy that I had to hold everything in because the oldest was the one who had the privilege to release their pain.
The divorce and its aftermath destroyed a lot. Our situation was like a pressure pot and our constant instability with swinging back and forth between two houses left my sister and I with a lot of built up steam waiting to be released. We primarily lived with our mom and our house was a safe-haven.  Here, my sister released all of the her stress and anger and it wasn't always pretty. It was terrifying for me at the time and was the beginning of Satan's scheme to feed me lie after lie. I constantly felt my mom couldn't handle me letting it go. I felt as if I wasn't allowed to and for that resentment towards my sister flooded my heart.  This didn't mean I was an easy child, but I did attempt to suppress as much as possible.
 A war in my heart arose. This anger towards my sister that she got to release everything when I had to fake it every day built up. While at the same time I recognized that she was truly an amazing older sister. So this vivid image of myself as an elementary student, begging God to just let me die resonated in my heart. I just remember feeling so alone and exhausted. It seemed so unfair that my sister got to be not okay. For the next eleven or so years I had a constant battle with dark forces and my lifestyle that kept the depression and pain brewing.
But here's the good news. Tonight, I am restored from all depression, thoughts of self-harm, and depression. I am still in the reformation process so listen up self and declare daily that you are free and you will never go back to that life. Not because you worked hard to read the Bible and spent time with God, but because of His grace. His grace has done it. This is the over-simplified version of tonight's events. But for now, this is all I can manage to stay awake for.
God is so good and the way He provided and planned everything today is overwhelming. I can not express my awe. I never want to lose this awe of my Savior. There are about ten more days here and my fire for the Lord has just begun.
And Satan, you have no power and I am free and this is just me.

Thursday, May 15, 2014

Teenager Tendencies

I am leaving in two weeks. Wow. I am freaking out. I've started packing ish. I've rolled up a bunch a t-shirts and other staple items in my wardrobe. It isn't important what to bring, but this seems like the only thing worrying me. I can always go shopping, which I will, but wow it is so hard for me to decide to bring a dress that I may not wear.
My first worries were how I could adjust living with people that don't believe in God and for that matter living in a country full of a demonic presence. But suddenly, my anguish is eliminated. I'm not saying there won't be times where I may struggle with fear, but all I can think is it is finished. What a blessing it is that I can declare that! All my "worries" have now been limited to miscellaneous things like what clothes to bring or what to wear to the airport.
 I suddenly am also struck with the fact I won't see my friends during the summer. That sounds like the lamest thing ever. My school doesn't start until late August and after my mom and sister leave I have a month of what?  I know it's a silly thing to worry that I may be bored. Is this my inner-teenager showing? There is one friend of mine that I feel as if we are on the same page in almost everything. We always have the most random conversations and they are almost always late at night. It's these things I think I will miss. But it's only for a year and I am not completely isolated thanks to technology.
I sound like the most teenager girl ever, but this is just me.

Monday, May 12, 2014

Happy Mother's Day!


Happy Mother's Day!

Mother's day is a day of gratitude and appreciation. My mother is a woman of God and I am always so grateful she raised me in His light. Single mothers are my heroes. On this day of joy there is also sorrow. It seems that nowadays so many woman are suffering from infertility and I can't even imagine the grief possibly felt on this particular day. Infertility is close to home as my aunt was unable to have children of her own. But, oh did the Lord provide. Adoption isn't a common option in Japan, but somehow my aunt pursued this option. Long story short, my aunt has a baby and I have a baby cousin that is nearing the age of one years old. His arrival is a testimony of God's supernatural power. God is so good! My cousin's arrival is another blog post, but as this was my aunt's first mother's day I was reminded of how this life was brought into my family.

 I had a wonderful weekend with my family-just the three of us. My sister is in college and I am leaving in... 17 DAYS!!! Life is so short and these moments that we can spend time together is getting limited. Today, we went to church and then went shopping and when I got home I was exhausted. As soon as I got home I wanted to collapse, but I had intentions to make a cake for mother's day so I slaved in the kitchen to make a Mother's Day cake. I like to decorate cakes and bake, BUT I can't bake anything. I've made many different cakes and all of them have had at least some kind of failure. If it was cute then it was inedible. It's kind of a joke among the three of us of how I can never quite create a cute AND edible cake.
Well, today I finally did it. With the help of a Japanese cake mix, I made a very delicious cake. We had matcha powder so I decided to make a matcha cream cake with strawberries.

It tasted ah-mazing! Also it was my little way of saying "Thank you" to my mom.
I made the banner using paper and a needle and thread. It's close to free and adds that extra to the cake.
After all the baking disastrous I have had it is finally nice to have had this cake turn out delicious(Japanese box cake ftw). It was such a nice weekend and the message at church was such a new profound revelation. Our family devotion was also lovely. I have 17 days left and during my last week’s here I hope to strengthen my relationship with Christ with my mom and sister. I feel so peaceful and all my anguish just isn't even comparable to how big God is. In Psalms 46:10, it says "Be still, and know that I am God..." This has been my anthem this past week. It is such a blessing to serve a living God.
 It was a refreshing weekend and I even went shopping! Happy Mother's Day and this is just me

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Prep. Time

 I'm leaving in 19 days. I'm trying to clean everything in my room. My closet already looks pristine and I may just have to lug out my suitcase tomorrow to start packing. I am a girl and it won't be easy to decide what to bring. I need a lot of time contemplating what exactly to bring. It seriously feels so weird to think that I am going to leave for an entire year.

This Sunday is Mother's Day and I am going to make a box cake for my mom. Plus, I have a HUGE  craving for cake. I wish I was a baker, but I've never made anything that doesn't taste disgusting. I recently made cake pops and wow were they cute, but I put sooooo much icing that it was diabetes in a ball. I can make things look quite cute, but the taste I just can't get down. So I am sticking to box cakes. It's safer for everyone's palate. This box cake is from Japan and is a sponge cake type thing. My idea for the design is quite cute so I might just upload pictures. Who says this blog just has to be about Japan. It's not like anyone reads this anyways and I'm  doing it for me. I find writing/typing is really stress releasing.

19 more days and this is just me.  

Thursday, May 8, 2014

An Introduction?

First, some background information. I am sixteen years old and half-Japanese. In three weeks I will be on a plane with a one-way ticket to Japan. Almost every summer I go to Japan accompanied with my mother and sister and soak up the precious moments with our family there and then we return to the States. This time there won’t be any returning on my part. I will be going to an International Christian School and live with my grandparents for an entire year. I have always dreamt of the idea of living in Japan, but I could never imagine I would have this opportunity to experience a country I love in this way.

I love Japan. I love every bit of Japanese cuisine and my cravings are constantly of miso ramen or just a simple convini onigiri. Something about their onigiri is so satisfying. But the main reason I love Japan is the obvious reason that all of my family is in Japan.  The fact that Japanese food is supreme in quality and anything really in Japan is far better of course adds to the appeal Japan has to me. I have to reiterate myself and say I love Japan, but I also know that Japan is a nation without light. A nation without Christ. I believe that we are built to serve and worship God. In Japan, there is nothing like that. There is no sense of sin and this gives me such heart-ache to see a nation so lost while I know who can heal and redeem them. My mother, sister, and I wholeheartedly desire for our family’s salvation.

During my stay in Japan, I hope to shed some of Christ’s light to my grandparents. I know sharing the gospel is so important, but more than that I want be so God-filled that my testimony will simply radiate from me. I want to constantly have a huge banner above me declaring that I am a Christian and not in some religious group, but that I am in an active relationship with Jesus Christ. I know that I am completely lost without my Savior. I know He has already won the victory for me and I will continue to remind myself of this. Japan isn’t a Christian nation. There aren’t even the Christmas or Easter goers like in the U.S. so although I may face dark forces and be discouraged I will continue to remind myself that it is finished.  I hope to record my thoughts and treat this blog as my little diary/story trip thing. And then I can look back and laugh at myself and reminisce.


So yeah this is just me.