Monday, February 16, 2015

Blogger Traitor

I am moving over to wordpress!!! My new URL is I am not in love with this URL so it might be changed. I'll update this post if I do change it :)

The Teacher

Hello blog. Long time no see. 
I’ve left you untended and each time I went to write I couldn’t compose the amount of things I wanted to share so instead of picking something to write I didn’t write at all. Lazy, I know. 

Life flew by in a whirlwind. In October, I went to Guam and then I went on a 4 day hiking trip. I got sick… and then I got sick again. I missed a lot of school. I got a whopping ten tardies which landed me in Saturday school. I joined debate. I turned 17 years old. I started listening to KPOP which I never thought I would say. I went to FUJI-Q for a Physics field trip. I crochet a scarf in Home Ec. I struggled in Physics and Pre-Cal (which I ended up dropping) There are so many different things I did these last few months and unfortunately I spent a lot November and December sick. But alas, we find ourselves in February and I am finally leaving the nausea and fatigue behind me. 

During Christmas break, my family came and visited and it was so refreshing and spiritually encouraging. I am so grateful for my family and how we can grow together in God. It’s such a blessing. I mean not to be totally dramatic or anything, but I felt so alone in my physical spiritual support system. I think I underestimated how sheltered I was in a Christian home environment. It is so different being the outsider. And it’s also a huge blessing. To hold the Truth that breaks the chains of bondage, I mean that’s a BIG deal. But there were definitely moments that instead of remembering that my Commander knows the battle plan and that I’m just a mere soldier, I tried to get a glimpse of that plan. I wanted to what each movement would entail. I took on a pressure that a) I couldn’t handle and b) didn’t need to handle. 

God is not only our Father, but our Teacher. Through my unfaithfulness and unrelenting desire to peer into His plans He faithfully taught me that I don’t need to be strong. His patience astounds me. He is slow to anger and allows my unfaithfulness to be a time where I can see just how much I need His directions. If there is anything I know my Father has tried to show me these last few months is that I do not need to handle it. I do not need to stay strong. Not only do I not need to do it by myself, I can’t. When we grow weak and weary, He is strong. 

2 Corinthians 12:10 And He has said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties, for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong.

I might me weak, but my God is strong and this is just me. 

Thursday, September 25, 2014

What is Trust?

I wrote this for a Bible response paper so if you are wondering why I randomly talk about things it's because I needed to include it. It's all over the place but I figured I'd share. 

Bondage is like a prison. It cuts you off from what you love and sometimes we put our selves there. Bondage feeds on our fears. And fear and trust can not co-exist.  When fear get’s into our hearts Satan delights because we’ve opened the door to the enemy. But how can you have bondage AND trust God. It’s like oil and water. The two will never mix. Fear and bondage create a gap between God and His children. The gap can only be filled with Jesus Christ, our way.

So who do I trust?  I trust God and all His power. I trust my sister, best friend, my mother, and to be honest anyone who loves Jesus and has faith in His power to free people.  Although for an extremely long time I don’t think I trusted anyone. 

I hate to say it, but I don’t think I trusted God for a very long time. I don’t even think I grasped what trust was. I think trust comes when we love and the only way to truly grasp love is to surrender who we are for Christ and accept His love. I grew up knowing Jesus was my Savior and I never doubted the eternity. For this I am so grateful. But instead of looking at Him and having faith and wholeheartedly trusting Him, I trusted the bondage. I believed that no matter what I would always be broken. I had my eyes set on my broken pieces and I tried picking them up on my own. My intent was to show them to God as if to say, “I am broken, help I can’t do it anymore by myself.” But when I used my own will to pick up the pieces I always cut myself and I was at angry at God for letting this happen. When all it took was for me to ask the Holy One to pick up my pieces. And you know what? He already did. On the cross Jesus already won the victory and in Him I am victorious. I just have to trust in that Victory and set my eyes upon Him. 

That’s what true trust is to me. It’s saying I am too weak and I put my trust in you and everything is in your hands. It’s denying ourselves and giving Him true control. It’s living for His will and it’s tuning into His will. But trust is a daily thing. Our salvation is a done deal, but Christianity is a journey and a relationship that grows. Denying ourselves everyday and living in humility isn’t always easy. In fact it can be a struggle. But trust is like a clay. At first, the clay isn’t very malleable.  It takes effort to get it to the point where something beautiful can be created. There may be parts that take more time to knead through. There might be mountain high or valley low moments, but the greatest news of all is that it is finished. God sent His son so we could have a relationship with Him filled with trust and love.

When I tried to think who had trust in God in the Bible I thought of David. Can you imagine taking stones as your weapon against a giant? If David could not kill Goliath he would put make God’s people into slaves. Talk about pressure. But David had faith in the God who provided. David had trust that the stone would hit the right spot on Goliath’s forehead. I mean David had to really believe. He had to face looking at this literal giant with armor and weapons of splendor and just think well sucks for you because I have the Great I AM on my side. There is no one more worthy for our commitment and trust than our Savior is. His faithfulness endures forever. 

If you managed to get through that wow good job and this is just rambling me. 

Sunday, September 21, 2014

Stressed but Blessed

I am so happy. 

I don’t know if it’s the school that I love or if it’s the fact that I’m living in freedom or the combination of both. I already am dreading leaving. I don’t want to leave ever. I tried to think about starting my life back up again in the States, but I can’t. I love it here. Something about these people and I just click. 

I have never been happier in my life. And despite feeling stressed about Physics and Pre-Cal that stuff doesn’t overwhelm me in the way it used to. I mean by no means do I not stress, but this stuff is the physical stuff. I have a physical piece of homework I need to finish. But before that assignment would affect me emotionally. Every ordinary life hiccup became a tidal wave that I couldn’t handle. And then when I found myself on the ground I had to get up… but with broken legs. My own logic took me to the idea that if I want to get back up I need my legs to be healed. I was so entrapped by the thought of being healed I forgot that first I just needed to stretch out my hands and surrender trying to get up on my own will. The first time I truly just searched to encounter God was when I was restored. Coincidence? Of course not. I thought I was seeking God during my battle with depression and suicide. But I was just seeking being okay.  I didn’t first seek the Kingdom of God. My eyes were never fixated on Him. I was completely self-absorbed and I was in my own world slaved to the prison I built.  I was only looking at what was broken and yelling at God, “Look I’m broken help me”, but He was waiting for me to just look at Him.

I am not an extremely punctual person, but if I had a job interview you bet I would be there on time. But the thing is I let God wait. I stood up God? The creator of the Universe waited for me. In Watchman Nee’s book, Let us Pray he discusses the will of God and praying for the will to be done as it is in Heaven. God waits for us to pray and obey. Humans limit God. I limit God. God’s will is the only perfect plan. And I would just like to say He never planned for you to be depressed or an alcoholic or in bondage. We were created in His image and in the beginning you were never destined for bondage. It's a lie of the enemy for anyone to believe that they were made with a defect. I believed that for a very long time. But the truth sets us free. And man this freedom that God gives is sheer bliss. 

I feel so blessed to serve a God who calls us to be pure and whole. His Grace is so sufficient and this is just me. 

Saturday, September 6, 2014

Living for His Will

So I am at McDonalds eating french fries and writing this post. Two weeks of school have passed and I have been in Japan for three months. Last night I talked to my mom about school and after wards it just kind of hit me how easy it was to talk to her. As much as my sister and I make fun of my mom that she doesn’t listen and the words, “Mommy listen!!!” and “I’m listening” have been said countless times at our household she does listen. I talked about my day and when God came He just did. It isn’t that my grandmother doesn’t listen, but it is just different. 

In English, we were given an assignment to tell a story about a “water-shed moment”, something that has impacted us and has brought us to where we are. The teacher elaborated on different type of possible stories and you know what every explanation led my thoughts to? My Restoration Story, the story that I have been freely writing about here on this blog. I am not ashamed of who I was. I used to be, but that’s the thing about the blood of Jesus. He washes away those bondages when we surrender. So my hesitation with sharing my struggle of depression and suicide rooted at the fact that some people will always do the “I am so sorry you had to go through that..” thing. I mean yes it was terrible, but notice the was. In every physical aspect, I feel alone here. I don’t have my support system. I can’t always express myself. I do get overwhelmed and I miss my family. If I was still depressed here in Japan I would be the easiest target for the devil. Although, I do think most of the people reading this are aware that there is nothing to be “sorry” about or to feel “awh, poor thing”, but I just wanted to say have a little more faith in His power. Don’t you see what He did in my life is incredible? He rescued me for His glory. So instead of feeling bad for me, Rejoice the Lord! My depression will never come back and yes I used the forbidden never because with the Creator of the Universe always and never can be backed up by Truth. So I didn’t want to share in front of people that might focus on the past more than the freedom. But I also didn’t really want to share my restoration in a devotion with my family and that was crucial to my freedom. So I decided to pray.

I felt peace into deciding that I would choose a different time to share my story. Instead I chose to share a story I have been wanting to document on this blog. I am a junior and when I started High School I was faced with a lot of questions I had no answers to. I honestly think there is some Adult Rule Book 101 that says once a teenager is in High School you should pester them with question about their future. What do you want to do? Do you know your major? Do you have any colleges you’re thinking about? I didn’t have a clue. All I knew was that ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a mother. I could spend hours by myself playing with my stuffed animals who played the part of baby and I the mother. And all in all I still want to be a mother and play the part of the house-wife. I am a walking feminists worst nightmare. But about a year and a half ago (possibly more I actually am not sure) I met three little girls who have become unforgettable in my life. These girls were rescued from the foster care system and I had the honor to spend time with them. I found myself heart broken. I didn’t see vibrant little girls that loved effortlessly. I saw girls that had been hurt and were forced to be mature and cautious. Two of the girls were two and one was just 7 months old. Despite all their pain and circumstance with a little effort to build trust these girls showed love and innocence that should have come first nature to them. Children should be brought into this world cherished and loved. They need someone to tell them that they have a purpose and they are fearfully and wonderfully made. These girls were sweet and bright and the system failed them. They were sent to back to a family member and back to the same environment that had hurt them so.  I lost hope in this system that was supposed to give a voice to the voiceless to stand up for the innocent. I was angry and frustrated. Who was really going to stand up and represent the voice of the innocent that gets so easily lost in the stacks of laws and regulations that don’t seem to do what’s in the best interest for the child. So who? It is so blatantly obvious that it seems to pass us. The Church should. (I heard another lady speak on this issue and she brought this point to me.) The church has to stand for the voiceless. Only we know truth and have a God who has the power to break bondages and bring restoration to families. So it is with this that I have become sure of my passion as well as my purpose. I want to give a voice to the voiceless but I want to do so with the Holy name of Jesus by my side. As I am here in Japan and I see the brokenness of families I so desperately want to do something. There are still many things I don’t know. I don’t know what to major or where I will work. But I know one thing. God’s will will be done. And my only prayer can be is to be still and tune into His voice so I would know His will.

God is always good and this is just me.

Wednesday, August 6, 2014

A solid Answer

We (Christians) know darkness only because we have His light to show us the difference but if you are just in darkness and don't know the light at all then you are unaware of your hopelessness. I was in a very dark pit, but I am here simply because I knew there was Light and that it saves. I am so grateful of His way and His plan for us. I would like to say I am nothing but happiness and rainbows here… But that just wouldn’t be true. I just get overwhelmed here and see in a normal conversation with my mom or sister God coming up is normal stuff. But here? Man, it’s a different story. It isn’t even me trying to share the Gospel it’s just normal conversation and my response to whatever is being discussed. But He comes up a lot and then I worry how to say it and how to express myself and then I am like oh no what even is Japanese? How do you speak that thingy. But I always come back to His peace and I am in awe of how just really great He is. Because you have no idea how so SO SO many situations here are just the PERFECT opportunity for Satan to lure me into a pit I knew for so long. Like the second I get an itsy bit of sadness I just think good thing God restored you because wow that’d be bad if you were still in bondage. I don’t think the enemy actually goes around and does things that bother me and tries to do it all in one day, but when life things happen Satan is ready to bring fear and for us to invite it in. But the thing that almost cracks me up is all this restlessness actually results in me just wanting to praise God even more.

I have been in Japan for more than two months and something that I didn’t expect was how much God plays a role in everything. I know that sounds silly, but I didn’t realize the triviality of everything else without salvation. This realization is in result of a) my new found freedom and b) my new surrounding of those who don’t share my faith. I mean the simplest of things like news stories or even the complex things. A recent story that is flooding the news is of a High School student who killed her classmate. And to my grandmother or to someone without faith this is a story of a child that a parent didn’t direct correctly. But to me it’s so much more than that. This young lady’s reasoning to kill someone was because she said she had an interest in death and what happened afterward. And I think you know that really isn’t that far off from what a lot of lost people think. I mean I can’t imagine living a life where you have no idea where you are going. I mean death of the flesh is inevitable and if no one has answers well of course you are going to wonder. My aunt said something like if only someone taught her right and wrong and my grandmother showed curiosity on how she was raised. She even brought up the idea that it would beneficial if the parent enlightened the public on what wisdom was missing in the child’s life so they would commit such crime. As they discussed this crime, I felt so separated from them.
If this happened in the U.S. and I was having a conversation with my mother God and the eternity He has given us would come up instantly. But I just sat there and I didn’t know how to respond because I have an answer of what happens after death and that’s all this young girl wanted. This girl comes from an elite educated family and that holds great weight here. So I think the question everyone is asking is how could a girl from such a “good” family become so lost. And the only answer I can conjure is that she was seeking, but no one had answers for her. No one could stand firm on a rock and say, someone made a way for you so that you could know the father and worship with Him for all of your days. The assurance eternity grants is incomprehensible. This girl to me kind of shows the cry of the lost here. There isn’t even a different god that people cling to. No one knows and the answers vary from each individual. “You become a star.” “You don’t know until you get there.” “I don’t know.” And you know none of those answers are satisfying. There is one answer and one way. The fact I know the Truth is a blessing and miracle in itself. I believe that when my mom became a believer she broke the curse on my family here that ensured death. God is stirring and I hold onto the word every in Philippians 2:9-11  


Therefore God exalted him to the highest place
    and gave him the name that is above every name,
that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow,
    in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
and every tongue acknowledge that Jesus Christ is Lord,
    to the glory of God the Father.


God said every so I will believe when He said every. He is to be glorified and so I will glorify Him.


School starts in 20 days and for the first time since ever I am excited because being extra bum than I usually am in summer is getting old and this is just me.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

There is Nothing like Jesus Peace!

GOD is good.

I just got off skype with my mom and whew I feel filled with peace that can only come from my Saviour. We prayed and I was just blown away (yet again) by this connection that God gives us. I mean here I am in a different country, yet through the unity that we serve under one God I am so connected! Praying alone is important to me, but praying in numbers brings the Holy Spirit in a hurry.

"For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.” Matthew 18:20

I just feel so peaceful right now after certain events brought my soul, that was led to still waters, to a wave pool. It blows my mind that together my mother and I can pray together where the Lord is and He brings peace that makes me want to dance. It's almost as if He is saying, I am far bigger than any ocean or time zone and where you call upon me I will come. What a peace that gives me. And I just feel so peaceful and I know you shouldn't use a word over and over in writing, but all I can say is I have peace and it is from my God.

When I called my mom, I was agitated and I just felt unsettled and it felt like someone threw a big ole' rock into my calm waters and the sand had not settled quite just yet. But whew, isn't it amazing that calling upon our Father brings our unrest to rest. And now my water is clearer than the beaches of Hawaii or even Jamaica.

It is in storms that I have to remind myself that His boat is unsinkable. And if I just go to His boat when the waves began to be more than I can handle I will be in victory. It is easier said than done. This makes me think back to Peter in Matthew 14:22-33. In verse 30, Peter begins to go to Jesus "but when [Peter] saw that the wind was boisterous, he was afraid". And he cried out for Jesus to save him. It continues, to say that Jesus immediately took out His hand and saved Peter. And then in the oh so famous red, Jesus says, "O you of little faith, why did you doubt?" So in the physical print this is about Peter, but as we know the living book isn't stopped my the mere physical realm. And this isn't just Peter, it is myself as well.

Jesus is so faithful. I mean the crazy thing to me is He came to earth as a man. A MAN people!!!! Despite how unfaithful I can become, He immediately saves me. It blows my mind that He was faithful when He was a man and just like wow He is perfect and He faced every temptation and struggle we did and not as a God as a man. But He remained white as snow and then He seperated himself from the Father for me (us).  And sometimes I am faithful, but I can't say I am faithful as His grace. It brings the same question Jesus asked to Peter to my mind. But why oh self would you doubt when you know He is the only sure thing. My only solution is doubt comes the moment I lose my all consuming fear of the Lord. It takes a moment to let fear inside. The enemy can't come in unless we welcome it. It's interesting that the wind that occured in the flesh was what brought fear to Peter. Unlike God, the enemy has no depth and Satan's power can only first attack the physical body.

This brings once again the forever occuring message that we must set our eyes upon Him and eat His bread and drink His living water.

I am awe of Jesus and the peace He only can give is indescribable and this is just me.