Saturday, June 7, 2014

Provider and Planner

I like to reread my posts mainly to check for mistakes and such. As I checked tonight, I thought I should probably add to my freedom testimony.

I suppose I have to begin back in December of 2013. It was a silly little church group party and I had a particular "teenager" mood that day. One thing led to another and the next thing you know I am in the backseat of the car that is parked in the driveway and to say the least I broke. Depression or any kind of bondage has only one solution. And everything else beside His blood is just a distraction. I had pretended to be okay that I tricked my self that I actually was okay. It is exhausting having to be so numb inside. However, I would like to just say that being in a pit doens't mean I am 24/7 grasping to the thought of suicide. For me at least, it came at night and it was almost like a storm that shakes you and makes you bare until you feel like you have nothing left. Their are storm seasons and also dry seasons. I had tricked myelf into a dry season. With some prodding, my mother in a way unlocked what I had been wrestling to hide.

Once I could no longer fool myself I couldn't function. I didn't go to school for three days. I didn't care that I missed the party I was just so exhausted of faking it to everyone that I was okay. I was like a dam and everything I had managed to contain rushed out and I couldn't manage it. So I decided to be homeschooled or do virtual school. But what could I tell people? Yes, I am going to be homeschooled. Oh why? Because my depression has entrapped me to the point where I don't have any energy to go to school. Looking back, all of my anguish could of been quickly released. Exhasuted? Find Rest in Him. Lost? The Shepherd guides. The list goes on.

A few years ago I really wanted to go to Japan and we (myself + mother) visited the school I am actually going to go to this year. There are too many "coincidences" in my testimony. When homeschool looked like the option for me my mom asked if I wanted to go to Japan as I told her many times that December night I didn't want to be here. Even that vulnerable I couldn't say to my mother that I wanted to die. I meant here as in Earth. But all the pieces pulled together and now here I am in Japan.

So my mindset before I came to Japan was to get filled up by Christ so when this church event that is held once a month is displayed I think okay that won't hurt to go. Little did I know that at that church event I would begin my life in a freedom I had never experienced. To add just an added extra Provider-ness for you. This particular Sunday was jam packed. We were running all over the metroplex and if we had had time to stop by the house before this event I guarantee I wouldv'e collapsed and not have gone.

To sum things up, now that you know the background:

I wanted to go to Japan before and already had a school I could go to.
I have given up on the idea and am going to my local  highschool.
Mother and I get into a "fight" I reveal to myself and that I am very broken.
I stop going to school.
I decide to be homeschooled and decide to go to Japan
I want to strengthen my relationship with Christ before I go.
Extra church event on a Sunday night? Why not.
Gets free.

I don't really like the idea that things that happen are the way it was meant to be. Like divorce? Meant to be? Yeah unlikely. But I do believe that no matter how many times we stumble God can redirect our path and make our scars another reason to glorify Him. I can't say being depressed was meant to be, but I can say that I was lost and when I was found He made a way to use my dark path to show His light to others. I kept avoiding His path and He faithfully redirected me everytime and I finally made my way to freedom. What a faithfull God we serve!

These events are far too coincidental for me. I know my God has been planning (and re-planning) and providing. I really feel strongly that my anthem this season with the Lord is that He will Provide. I can't say it enough.

It has been raining for three days. and I mean like non-stop raining. Normally, being bymyself constantly would normally be a recipe for dark thoughts. And add the depressing rain? But it just happens that I am too free and filled with living water to have any room for the enemies antics.

There is nothing like living in freedom and this is just me.

No comments:

Post a Comment