Rage On

f o u r days.

 

My suitcase is filled to the very brim and my closet only holds the items I am leaving. I felt like it was like three days ago that I started pursuing going to Japan. I was a friend's birthday party today and when it hit two weeks until I would leave I felt the need to hang out with all of my two and a half friends. But today, as I was there to a certain extant it seemed of such minimal importance. I don't know why.  But I'm having a few friends over for Memorial Day which I am sure will help me chill about packing which still is stressing me out. It seems I stress over the little things.

 

I am currently reading a book called, "The Spiritual Man" written by Watchman Nee. A family friend lent it to me and although I've hardly made a dent in it, it has already changed the way I look at my relationship with God and how I read the Bible. It never ceases to amaze me how God provides for us. The day I received the book was the day my chains were destroyed. I began to read the preface as we drove to the church event. Nee wrote about how as Christians when we encounter God it is common that we assume that that is all God has in store for us. However, He is yet to be finished with showing us all of His glory. God is so big and I will never be able to comprehend His power. This is the mindset I have in the service, and as I begin to realize that I am being restored from depression, suicide, and regret. I was trembling of fear of my God, but I realized (with the help of Watchman Nee) I had only hit the tip of the ice berg. So my prayer is that I will not be satisfied and I will engulf myself into His Living water and submerge myself and dive in and seek the end of the iceberg. I have a feeling it happens to be an endless iceberg.

 

As I am still day by day understanding the supernatural healing God did for me I have still not put all of my "testimony" up. A pastor that night spoke along the lines that when you have bondage for so long it can become part of what you believe to be your identity. You can encourage the strongholds with the constant demeaning of yourself. This struck a huge cord within me. I forgot what it felt like to be in freedom. In fact, I wonder if I ever knew freedom. I believed in the bondage more than anything else. Ordinarily I wouldn't declare I was depressed, but if some truth syrup slipped into my drink and I was asked, "Who I was" I imagine I'd say, " I am dying and I can't breath because depression strangles you." That'll warm a heart eh? That was who I thought I was. So as I am reflecting what the pastor said I almost laugh because it appears God himself specifically told the pastor to say that for me. He also said that many of us decide to stay in the "comfortable" bondage rather then the unknown freedom. Isn't that good? The word is powerful, but when I was in such dark pits it felt impossible to read the Bible. I knew it could set me free, but I couldn't. I didn't want to have to read the Bible to be free. Except, that's where my fundamental Christian beliefs stumbled. It is not based on my works that I am free, but His grace. So with the fire I have for my Savior it is a pleasure to be able to read the only living book in the universe. I have been restored and now as I am in the restoration process I pray to root myself in the Rock.

 

Also, today's message at church was eye-opening. God has a tendency to that. I am so grateful for a church that has a pastor that has revelation upon revelation given to him. I will probably write about it tomorrow.

 

I pray that I will seek to replenish myself in oil every day so that I would keep my fire for the Lord raging. I am living in freedom and this is just me.