There are nine more days. I am down to the single digits. I want to quickly jump right back in to further elaborate on my experiences of last night.
As a family on Sunday nights, we have a devotion and share what we thought of the message from that day and other revelations God had given to us in that week. There were so many devotions that I couldn't wait till we were done. Yesterday was an extremely long day and we decided to wait till tonight to share our revelation experiences. I was so pumped yesterday to share my revelation, but as my mom mentioned devotion a feeling of dread and shame overcame me. I didn't know if I could really share. I did for the one reason of knowing that my restoration was the works of the Lord and the works of the Most High must be declared.
I want to recount the messages I received last night. These thoughts are not of mine, but of those who spoke last night at the church event I attended. There were so many things that hit right at home. It was said that God doesn't heal us for us, but to redeem us so then we can glorify and exalt His kingdom. What an honor to be have the privilege of knowing a King and being healed by Him.
This ministry has many testimonies and as this event is held once a month the healing and supernatural power that is demonstrated on these nights are shared. This one particular elder of the church read some healing testimonies that were surely from our Savior. Then he shared his testimony and this is where God began to work. He started sharing his depression and struggle with suicide and when you have been chained to depression and suicide for so long the slight mention of depression stirs something. In the last six months, I have had two "arguments" with my mother on things linked to depression. I knew my mother to an extent knew I was not happy, but I did not know whether she knew if I was controlled by the desire to escape life. I assumed my sister had no idea. But as this elder speaks and tells us that in a moment we need to stand if we have ever had suicidal thoughts or depression my heart raced. How could I stand? But how could I not stand? I thought of how I begged God to kill me night after night. I had so much anger for Him that He kept me here. I wanted to die so badly. I spent endless nights fighting the urge to cut myself and begging God to either free me or kill me. But in this moment I knew I had to stand, but I didn't know if I could. My every moment with God revolved around depression, but here I was with the opportunity to be restored and I didn't know if I could stand. But then I was reminded of this particular moment in my life.
I was at a Christian youth camp. The message of the night was about sexual immorality and that previous morning we had a session on purity. The whole time I knew I should have gone to prayer, but my pride held me back. After all, I had never actually done anything sexual immoral and it was all in my head. The rest of the day I had a regretful feeling hanging around me. But as I have discovered the Lord always will re-direct us to His path. Well the evening message came around and the moment the preacher began to discuss sexual immorality my heart began to race. I was sitting in the inside of the isle and on the end of my isle my youth pastors sat. As the preacher prepared to call us for an alter call I knew I could not miss this encounter with God. But pride and the enemy fought with me. So many thoughts ran through my mind. What will they think if I go for an alter call for sexual immorality? I appear so innocent so no one would ever know how sinful you are if you don't go. What will your sister think? And then there was my youth pastors that I would have to pass as I went to the alter call. The pastor is counting. He says on the count of three to come down. One... "You can be released from here." Two... "You're fine you haven't even had a boyfriend." Three... "I don't care." I happened to be sitting where there was no row behind me and rather than facing passing my youth pastors I jumped over my seat and made my way to the alter. There I literally knelt before my Redeemer and sobbed.
So in this moment of again questions of whether I could submit before God and forget about what anyone else thought God put this event into my heart. I knew I would hate myself for not standing. So I stood. The elder told the congregation that this kind of prayer was the holding prayer so my mother grabbed me and a hand gripped my shoulder. When I stood it was silent. I was finally declaring that I was so broken and I was going to do my part. As wrote previously, I always thought that my sister was always the one who got to release her pain. So I confidently knew that I would be the only one standing. But then when my mother grabs me she grabs my sister as well. Satan fed me lies for so long that I was the only one who knew this pain of wanting to die. I was the one who was too broken and I had to fake it very day. Yet, here I was with people all around me going at war in prayer to denounce not only my bondage with depression, but my sisters. This shattered the enemies lies.
There is so much more to share, but this post is starting to look like a chapter so until tomorrow. My prayer is to never forget His victory. I will come across a dark valley, but I will not fear for He is with me. At tonight's devotion I realized how crucial it is to share our revelations.
I am in the process of restoration and this is just me.